Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Smoking in Japan

Alaska and I went to see David Sedaris last night at the University at Buffalo (my alma mater). I’m not a huge fan of Sedaris – I find his folksy style somewhat irritating – but he was quite entertaining last night, and now I’m halfway through his bestseller Me Talk Pretty One Day (which he graciously signed for us).

Near the end of the talk, he mentioned that he had just returned from Japan. Sedaris is a smoker, God bless him, and he said that in many areas of Japan, smoking outdoors is restricted to certain areas. Posted around these smoking areas are signs encouraging proper smoking etiquette, including this little gem:


Here is a site with about 45 more of these odd little signs. Don't worry about the funny squiggly lines everywhere; that's how people over there write.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Peak-a-boo

A friend of mine recently read "The Coming Economic Collapse" and, in his words, has “been flipped out ever since”. I don’t blame him. He sent me a link to a web site which details most of what the book argued, and it is some scary shit. As in, "time to buy a bicycle, a shotgun, and a shit load of canned goods" scary.

Essentially, the problem is this: at some point within the next 20 years (and some people say we may already be at that point), we will reach what is known as “peak oil”, where the world’s oil production will reach the highest possible level, and then begin to drop off. In the meantime, of course, demand will keep increasing, and anyone who knows anything about economics knows that means that oil prices will skyrocket. You think $3 for a gallon of gas is bad? Wait until it becomes clear that HOLY SHIT WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF OIL.

I’ve known about this for a while, but until I read up on it I didn’t realize just what a huge problem it will be. Alternative energy sources like solar, wind, ethanol, and all that crap are nowhere near efficient enough to replace good old fashioned petroleum. Maybe some clever combination of these alternative energies can eventually replace oil, but the amount of time (multiple decades) and money (dozens of trillions of dollars or more) required to build up the necessary infrastructure is going to cause massive problems, particularly if peak oil is less than 20 years away. Fossil fuels currently provide 86% of the energy used by the US; do you really think a bunch of fucking windmills can replace that in the next few years?

So, even assuming that we actually start working on this right now, it’s pretty likely that we’ll be facing some serious problems in the coming years. Wars for the remaining oil will probably pit us against China, India, Russia, and maybe even the EU, with the poor suckers in the Middle East on the losing end. No wonder we don’t want them to have nukes…

In fact, the more you think about world events through the prism of peak oil, the more things start to make sense. It explains why the government doesn’t seem too eager to reign in rising oil prices (to get us used to it being ever more expensive); it explains why nobody has built a new refinery in the US for the past 30 years (by the time its done, we probably won’t have any use for it any more); it explains the strategic importance of a stable Iraq (which sits on top of one of the few remaining oil fields that could stave off the peak for a little while longer); it might even explain why we are so disinterested in reducing greenhouse gas emissions (in a few decades, fossil fuels will be so prohibitively expensive that we won’t be burning them much anyway).

Happily, I don’t expect to live long enough to experience the worst of the oil crunch. In fact, I just bought a brand new sports car that gets an awesome “fuck you” of 19 miles per gallon. And since I don’t have any children (and God willing never will), I don’t give a shit what happens to the rest of you morons once I’m gone.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Dear AOL

Oops. Somebody exploited a security hole at AOL and downloaded the search logs for a bunch of users. What does this mean to you? Hilarity! You can use this tool to search the logs, and you'll be surprised how many times you see gems like this:

15232356 1188995 fetish women getting flattened into a pancake like in the cartoons
15232364 1188995 flatphiles 2006-03-14 01:04:25
15232365 1188995 pics of girls getting steamrolled squished and pushed through paper makers.
15232416 1188995 anything flattened 2006-03-16 03:18:35
15232417 1188995 anything flattened erotic


Or:

135364 329019 i am determined to see jesus 2006-05-26 22:45:08
135365 329019 biblical women determined to see jesus 2006-05-26 22:46:36
135373 329019 sinners determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:55:12
135374 329019 harlot determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:57:35
135376 329019 determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:58:41
135377 329019 determined to seek jesus 2006-05-27 19:59:54
135379 329019 mapquest 2006-05-27 20:23:41


Or:

129732 317966 my mother inlaw rubbed her tits on me 2006-03-01 10:04:13
129734 317966 my son inlaw stares at my tits 2006-03-02 09:53:18
129737 317966 my son inlaw makes me horny 2006-03-02 09:55:10
129738 317966 i love my son inlaws male member 2006-03-03 07:39:38
129739 317966 my mother inlaw touched my male member 2006-03-03 07:41:45
129740 317966 my mother inlaw bathed me
129784 317966 my mother wants my husbands cock 2006-03-15 09:03:52
129785 317966 i saw my mother inlaw blowing my father inlaw 2006-03-16 08:03:13
129786 317966 i caught my mother inlaw giving my father inlaw a blowjob 2006-03-16 08:09:44
129787 317966 i caught my mom sucking my husbands cock


Good times. If you had any shred of respect or hope for humanity, prepare to have it blown away.

Someone has started collecting the good ones here (make sure select "See everything" at the top!), but its just the tip of the iceberg.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

JEWS!

Yes, I am aware that I have not posted anything lately. My main excuse is that I finally have a girlfriend after far too many years of desperate, bitter loneliness, and I now spend most of my time and energy trying to convince her to have sex with me. (I will henceforth refer to her as “Alaska”, mainly because she is cold and distant, but also because she is from Detroit). Having Alaska around has made me a much happier person in general, which I suppose is good for me, but bad for my trademark brand of cynical and hate-filled social commentary. Plus, its not like anyone reads this blog anyway, so the stuff I spend way too much time writing and revising and polishing ends up going to waste, and quite frankly I don’t really have the ambition or motivation to keep trying.

But then something came along that inspired me to post again. I am talking, of course, about Mel Gibson’s crowning performance as a drunken anti-Semitic asshole. He wasn’t really that drunk; he blew a .12, which is pretty much what my personal baseline blood alcohol content is. My main problem with Mel’s anti-Semitism is how run-of-the-mill and uncreative it is. I mean, “Fucking Jews... are responsible for all the wars in the world"? That’s the best you can come up with? So here, as a public service to Mel and other Jew-haters everywhere, are some of my favorite reasons to dislike God’s Chosen People:

They killed Jesus. Even though J. C. had to die in order to save mankind from the Matrix or whatever it is that he did, the Christians are still pretty mad about it. It makes you wonder if everybody would still hate the Jews if Christ had died from, say, choking on a pretzel.

They distracted the Germans from taking over the world. Nobody ever really mentions this, but if it wasn’t for Jews, the Nazis would have been able to divert all the time and effort of running concentration camps to more useful endeavors like conquering the entire globe. Then we’d all be wearing lederhosen, eating sauerbraten, and drinking much better beer.

They are funnier than gentiles. Can you name a non-Jewish comedian? Ok, probably, but not many, and those that are out there mostly suck anyway.

They run Hollywood. Hollywood makes terrible movies. (Of course, so does Mel Gibson, so I can understand if he disagrees with this point.) In particular, they keep making stupid, unwatchable Holocaust movies. Get over it already!

Jewish mothers are crazy. A friend of Alaska’s once dated a Jewish girl whose mother called her upwards of 20 times a day. And the daughter would answer no matter where or when it was – even, apparently, in the middle of sex. That’s some fucked up shit.

They run the yarmulke and kosher food industries. It’s true! You can’t buy a yarmulke in this country without a Jew getting your money. And don’t get me started on kosher foods. My local drug store has a big sign outside it that proclaims “Kosher and Non-Kosher Foods Available”, which is a great way to appeal to both Orthodox Jews and raging anti-Semites.

They invented circumcision. What the hell kind of people think it’s a good idea to slice off a piece of a newborn’s wiener? Jews, that’s who. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

At Least Someone is Reading This

I check my Sitemeter stats frequently to see how many people are reading the crap that I write (nobody). I also check who referred visitors here, so I can get an idea of who is linking to me (nobody). But these referral logs have revealed something I didn't think about when I first named my blog: a lot of people, not all of them Germans, do web searches for the word "peeing". In particular, the other day someone stumbled on to my site after searching for "peeing children". Needless to say, that person left disappointed. Some other disturbing searches that have brought people here in the past few weeks include "peeing in the pool", "peeing rapers", “little child peeing stories “, “shit sperm peeing”, “fuck pool”, “preteen models fuck”, and "comaphilia".

From this, I have come up with some valuable advice:

1) If you are coming here looking for peeing, people who enjoy recreational peeing, pictures of people peeing, or in general anything related to peeing as a hobby, you are looking at the wrong site. Try mySpace.

2) If you are creating a new blog, think carefully about what you are going to name it. You may inadvertently attract the wrong sort of people – assuming that you aren’t creating a site for necrophiliacs and other assorted perverts. For example: “Hot Steaming Loads” would be a bad name for a blog about your laundry, and “Rusty Trombones” is not an ideal name for your musical instrument restoration site.

3) Don’t post an article listing all the disturbing search terms that people have used to find your site. That will only encourage them.

4) Never write a post listing hilarious sexual fetishes.

5) For the love of God, never, ever list random perverted phases at the bottom of your blog posts, unless you wish to attract the kind of sick freaks that would search for them.

“golden shower”
"donkey punch”
“blumpkin”

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Motherfucking Bear on a Motherfucking Trampoline

Unfortunately I am still alive, I've just been way too lazy/drunk/depressed to blog lately. Today is no exception, but I just had to post this because it is SO FUCKING AWESOME:

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Lessons in Ruthlessness, Part 2: Spoiling the Grandkids

As with our last Lesson, today’s Ruthlessness is brought to you by two old people, this time in Florida. The couple (their names have not been disclosed) offered $100 for the murder of their son’s wife, along with her three children and the family dog. The reason, according to the cops, is that the couple’s son is in the clink for “sexual battery on a child, lewd and lascivious molestation and showing obscene material to a minor”. The kids were the victims of this fine young man’s alleged crimes, and I’d bet that the dog was probably involved in some way, too. Is it just me, or does the “showing obscene material to a minor” thing sound a bit bland compared to raping your own 10-year-old daughter? Anyway, grandma and grandpa apparently tried to have the kids killed to prevent them from testifying against their perverted father. Nice. It seems that being a sociopath is genetic after all.

What I find most shocking about this is that this crazy couple actually thought they could get 4 people whacked for $25 a pop, or just $20 if you count the dog. That might have worked back in the Depression, Pops, but $25 doesn’t buy as many apples today as it did back then. If I could get anyone greased for $25, there’d be a whole lot of corpses out there. Did these two really not get suspicious when the guy they were talking to agreed to such low prices? So remember, if you want to have your grandchildren killed, be prepared to pay top dollar. This isn't one of those jobs you can give to a Mexican that you picked up at Home Depot.