Fetishophilia

Few aspects of human behavior fascinate me as much as the wide world of fetishes. It seems there is no object or activity which cannot be twisted into some sort of perverted sexual fixation. It used to be that people with these bizarre penchants would never act on them, let alone tell anyone about them. I would have thought these self-defeating proclivities would have been bred out of mankind a while ago, but today, thanks to the Internet, every weirdo out there can find a group of weirdoes with which to discuss his or her strangest desires. Some of the more perplexing of these include:

Coprophilia
Has anyone ever accused you of having a shit-eating grin? Well, for coprophages that would be a badge of honor. These are people who find feces to be sexually stimulating, and occasionally make a yummy snack of it. Anyone who takes the phrase “eat shit” seriously has some major issues. I can understand if mommy’s potty-training technique gave you some disturbingly exciting memories, but anyone who can flush a toilet should know better than to treat poop as a sex toy.

Furries
These are grown adults who get aroused by dressing up as anthropomorphic animals and crawl around sniffing each other's assholes. Some of them claim that there isn’t necessarily a sexual aspect to this, but they are fooling no one. People who get aroused while watching Pepé Le Pew cartoons are frightening, and should not be allowed to breed.

Emetophilia
Most people try to avoid vomiting. The smell, the burning sensation in the throat, and the yucky clean-up make the entire experience unpleasant. Then again, there are people in this wonderful world of ours who actually find “Roman showers” to be a huge turn-on. Given the prevalence of bulimia in our society, these people should have no problem getting dates. After all, you can always be sure they’ll treat you to a nice dinner before its shower time.

Crush fetishism
I dislike small furry animals as much as the next guy, but I don’t usually get a woody when I see them stepped on. And I certainly don’t get all hot and bothered at the thought of myself being crushed. But apparently, there are quite a few people out there who enjoy such fantasies. We should do these people a favor by locking them in the trunk of a car destined for a junk yard trash compactor.

Gerontophilia
This is the hobby of those creepy guys who hang out near nursing homes with obvious erections. I’ve been tricked into viewing grandma-porn on a few occasions, but I can’t imagine what path someone’s life would have to take to compel them to actively seek it out. Anything that requires a few ounces of Astroglide to penetrate simply isn’t worth the effort. I suppose the allure of a “gum job” might justify this obsession, but I would personally be worried about the risk of cracking some old hag’s hip, or getting her so worked up she suffers a stroke or heart attack. God invented Viagra so old people could fuck each other.

Those are just a few of the trendy sick fetishes that are out there. I’m still waiting for my own unpopular paraphilias to gain a large following:

Zipperphilia – sexual arousal from getting your dick caught in your zipper
Globophilia – sexual attraction to planetary bodies
Deiphilia – sexual attraction to god(s)
Teeveedropophilia – sexual arousal from having televisions dropped on you, or dropping them on others
Comaphilia – sexual attraction to people in persistent vegetative states (drool is a natural lubricant)
Bigpapaphilia – sexual attraction to Biggie Smalls
Petrophilia – sexual arousal from the smell of gasoline (Bush may have this)
Jheriphilia – sexual attraction to greasy, curly hair
Blogophilia – sexual arousal from reading or writing pointless blog entries
Velcrophilia – sexual attraction to hook-and-loop fasteners
Neccophilia – sexual attraction to wafer-shaped candies
Philatephilia – sexual arousal from licking stamps
Dorkophilia – sexual attraction to people who wear bowties with sincerity
Craftsmanophilia – sexual attraction to power tools
Ambidextrichronophilia – sexual arousal from wearing a wrist watch on both arms
Jackophilia – sexual arousal from watching news reports about Michael Jackson’s legal troubles
Pyrophilia – sexual attraction to fire (oh wait… that’s a real one)
Tacophilia – sexual attraction to Mexican food
Nikephilia – sexual arousal from putting your shoes on the wrong feet
Carpaltunnelphilia – sexual attraction to victims of repetitive stress injury
Catastrophilia – sexual arousal from the news of massive death and destruction due to natural disasters
Petalphilia – sexual attraction to flowers
Mayimbialikophilia – sexual attraction to child stars from awful early-90s sitcoms
Alarmophilia – sexual arousal from the obnoxious sounds made by alarm clocks, smoke alarms, etc
Philadelphiphilia – sexual attraction to large cities in Pennsylvania
Gopophilia – sexual attraction to the Republican Party, or members thereof
Harpaxophilia – sexual arousal from being robbed (damn, that’s a real one too)
Magmaphilia – sexual attraction to lava
Xmasaphilia – sexual attraction to Christmas trees, wreaths, or garland (not Judy - only fags love her)
Scrabblephilia – sexual arousal from using all 7 letters for the 50 point bonus
Escargophilia – sexual attraction to snails
Spiltsodaphilia – sexual attraction to the sticky substance on the floor of movie theaters
Pundiphilia – sexual arousal from watching people yell incoherently at each other on cable news shows
Agletiphilia – sexual attraction to the little plastic thingies on the end of shoelaces
Plushophilia – sexual attraction to stuffed animals (Holy shit, that’s another real one! What the hell is wrong with people?!?)