I Believe the Children Are Our Future

Most of these children will grow up to be worthless, ignorant assholes.

A few weeks ago I wrote about my disdain for old people. But my scorn for the elderly pales in comparison to my utter contempt for another segment of the population: children.

If there’s one single group of human beings that causes me the most aggravation in life, its disgusting, stupid, annoying, smelly little children. I see nothing cute or worthwhile about the little shits, and for the life of me I can’t fathom why anyone would want to spend time with them, let alone produce one of their own.

From the moment they are squeezed or cut out of the womb, they begin what for most will be a lifelong habit: crying. For months after being born, they monopolize the time of at least one otherwise potentially productive adult by demanding food, attention, diaper changes, bathing, and so on. (Those that don’t have the decency to snuff it before turning senile will repeat this dependency in their golden years, inflicting it on their own children and grandchildren, possibly for many years.) After this, the lucky parent(s) get to experience the joys of toilet training, teething, and cleaning up strained carrots flung on to walls during obnoxious and selfish temper tantrums.

Occasionally, you hear about some inconsiderate infant that just up and dies in its sleep. It’s a big medical mystery why this sort of thing happens, although I personally never rule out the possibility of a frustrated parent with a well-applied pillow. What a waste. All that time and effort expended to bring a fresh new life into this world and, poof, gone. At least the coffins are cheap. (I love that page; from the title (“coffins for children at discounted prices”) to the awkward blurb at the top (“Please accept our deepest condolences in the loss of your infant or child. So sorry.”))

Assuming the youngin’ has the sense to survive into the toddlerhood, its parents have a whole new world of fun waiting for them. This is the time when the little monsters are just clever enough to get themselves into large amounts of trouble. It was around this time in my own life that I amused my parents – and the local emergency room staff - by shoving an entire packet of sunflower seeds up my nose.

Children are very impressionable at this age. This is when they start to learn adult behaviors such as brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, and swearing loudly at the slightest provocation. If you are ever unfortunate enough to find yourself caring for one, use this fact to your advantage. For example, you know those little plastic thingies you plug into power outlets to prevent kids from electrocuting themselves as they stumble around the house? I’m going to invent one that is semi-conductive, so when some dumb little shit touches it, it’ll give just enough of a shock to make him learn a lesson. It’s not something he will do twice, that’s for sure.

This is also the time of life when children are most blatantly annoying to other people. For some reason, parents feel it’s a good idea to drag their insufferable offspring into public places like supermarkets or restaurants, where the little bastard’s tantrums can annoy total strangers. Anyone who has ever been stuck on a long flight with a screeching tot knows just how intolerable they can be.

If a child can survive the common perils of being a toddler (getting trapped in old refrigerators, choking on razor blades in apples given to them by people like me, being shot by fellow students in kindergarten, etc), they enter the exciting pre-teen years. This is when the child has just enough mental capacity to really begin to inflict evils on the rest of society. Recall that preteen girls are responsible for the popularity of Titanic - I don’t think I need to say more about their repulsiveness.

Now, most intelligent people already realize what a terrible emotional and financial strain it is to have a child, and through the use of birth control, being gay, or just plain not getting laid, they avoid reproducing altogether. This is a good idea for an individual, but for society it’s been disastrous: only the stupid are breeding. In particular, Catholicism is one of, if not the, fastest growing religions in the world, largely because they forbid birth control and have a secret cure for homosexuality. Thus the population is quickly being overwhelmed by people with a genetic predisposition for foolishness and gullibility. This is one of many reasons I have given up hope for the future of humanity.

How can we prevent the further dumbening of the gene pool? Far be it from me to suggest that smart couples begin having children; I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Instead, we should somehow trick the dumbasses of the world into raising the children of the smart. Here’s my initial plan:

1. Develop a virulent disease that renders its victims infertile.
2. Inoculate worthwhile people against that disease some Sunday morning, while the undesirables are at church.
3. Unleash the disease at NASCAR events, Ashlee Simpson concerts, Justice Sunday III, Republican fundraisers, etc.
4. Once the infected realize they are all infertile, they will be clamoring for donor sperm and eggs for IVF. Those of us that are still fertile will get a large amount of cash for our gametes, as this will now be a seller’s market.
5. The dumb will then raise a generation of children with a genetic predisposition to intelligence, while the rest of us can enjoy life knowing someone else is tending to our worthy spawn.

This plan may well be too little too late to save humanity, but it might at least slow the decline.