And I Thought I was a Couch Potato Before...

I am currently sitting on my couch, watching my brand spanking new 50" Sony Grand WEGA television (LCOS technology, capable of true 1080p HD resolution, only 18” deep), and I am happy. The friendly people at Circuit City delivered it this morning, and it still has that new TV smell. This is the single most expensive thing I have ever purchased that I can neither drive nor live in. I may have purchased this enormous TV just to compensate for my small penis, but nevertheless it was a great idea. On this TV, Jaime Pressly’s tits are bigger than my head. That alone justifies the 3-year debt I have incurred.

And the picture is really fucking beautiful. I even watched “xXx: State of the Union” earlier today. It’s a ridiculously terrible movie, but I was so mesmerized by the picture quality that I watched it anyway (muted). It wasn’t a total loss – I found out that Willem Dafoe is even uglier when you see him in hi-def.

I've been looking to buy a new TV for a few months now, because it seems like everyone I know has an HDTV these days, and I was feeling left out. But I noticed something kind of odd when I told my friends that I finally broke down and bought this thing: almost everyone said "Congratulations", as if I had won the lottery or somehow managed to get a couple of supermodels to tag-team me. What the hell are they congratulating me for? I just willingly pissed away a significant percentage of my yearly income on an object that does nothing but show me pretty pictures (albeit really fucking pretty pictures). I’m like the proverbial retard with the proverbial shiny object, except my shiny object costs almost as much as a Mexican's kidney.

Well, whatever. It’s not as if I feel guilty for indulging myself. I suppose I could have spent my money on something beneficial to mankind, like AIDS education for homos, food for darkies, or dinner plates for Republican fundraisers. Thank God I was born without the liberal guilt that so many others suffer from. I do feel slightly bad about making such a selfish purchase, but really – have you seen the fucking picture on this thing?!? It’s awesome!!

A Glimpse of Things to Come

I’m all for executing Christians, but this particular news item made me queasier than usual:

Afghan Christian convert could be executed

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In the days of the Taliban, those promoting Christianity in Afghanistan could be arrested and those converting from Islam could be tortured and publicly executed.

That was supposed to change after U.S.-led forces ousted the oppressive, fundamentalist regime, but the case of 41-year-old Abdul Rahman has many Western nations wondering if Afghanistan is regressing.

Rahman, a father of two, was arrested and is on trial for rejecting Islam. The Afghan constitution, which is based on Sharia, or Islamic law, says that apostates can receive the death penalty.

Once the Republicans achieve their goal of pulling that pesky “separation of church and state” stuff from the Constitution, those of you who don’t believe in their invisible friend will be on the short list for stoning outside the city gates (and I don’t mean the good kind of stoning, I mean the literal kind). Luckily, due to 17 years of brainwashing during my younger days, I know the Bible and general Christian dogma better than most so-called Christians, so I’ll be able to fake my way on to the winning team. But when I’m called upon to chuck rocks at my fellow heathens, I’ll try really hard to miss - I throw like a girl anyway.

Traditional Values

It really gets my dander up when some conservative dipshit starts blathering on about “Traditional Values”. I can almost understand being nostalgic if you’re some senile blue-haired biddy who misses her log cabin or butter churn or something, but it's likely that anyone who grew up since the 60s doesn’t even have a genuine idea of what life was like in the good old days. Fortunately, I am here to enlighten you:

Slavery
Aside from S&M clubs and Wal-Mart, slavery doesn’t really exist in this country anymore. That’s a shame, because I could really use a good old-fashion slave. For starters, my house is a complete mess, and I can’t afford to hire one of those topless maids to come over more than once a month or so. Owning a young nubile African girl would be much more convenient. While I am playing online poker, she could do all the things I can’t be bothered with – doing laundry, washing dishes, talking to my mother, etc. Plus, if I ever get short of cash, I can just knock her up - and nine months later, like magic, I’ll have a fresh bouncing baby to bring down to the slave market.

Exclusion from suffrage
For all you illiterates out there, this means “don’t got no right to vote”. I actually agree with this concept, because when I think about how many reality-TV-watching, SUV-driving NASCAR dads there are in this country, universal suffrage sounds like a really bad idea. In the good old days you had to own property in order to vote, so you actually had some stake in the outcome and therefore maybe based your decision on something more substantive than a 30-second “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” ad you saw during an episode of CSI:Reykjavik.

Child labor
It’s about time somebody brought this idea back to life. Kids could easily be model employees: they don’t care about health benefits, they're too stupid to unionize, they would kill to make minimum wage, and, thanks to video games, all of them have great manual dexterity. In fact, they're just as exploitable as illegal immigrants, with the added bonus that they usually don't smell as bad. Before we send the last of our manufacturing jobs to China, we need to repeal child labor laws to make America competitive again. It’s either that or, you know, the rest of us will have to start working harder.

Mistresses
Can you name one influential historic figure who didn’t fuck around on his wife? Hell, even Eleanor Roosevelt had a girlfriend on the side. These days, you can’t even get a simple hummer in the Oval Office without Congress handing down letters of impeachment, so it's a good thing for Bush that nobody outside of Fox News wants to fellate him (and nobody wants to get head from a mongoloid like Shepard Smith). Back in the good old days, men were men, wives knew their place (the kitchen), and nobody gave a shit where you stuck your dick – unless it was in another guy’s ass.

Technology
I suppose this doesn’t exactly count as a “value”, but I felt the need to include it anyway, so fuck you. Are you really longing for the “good old days”, when everything was oh so much better? Then try this little experiment:
1) Turn off your electricity. The Founding Fathers didn’t have it, aside from the occasional kite in a thunderstorm, so you don’t get it either.
2) Flush your Prozac, Viagra, and Ambien down the toilet, since they are the products of evil modern life. Don't fret - there are plenty of leeches in the local pond to cure what ails you.
3) Oh wait, you can’t flush your pills – indoor plumbing hasn’t been around for all that long either. Enjoy your chamber pot! And by the way, I hope you aren't too fond of your rippled two-ply toilet paper. Have you ever wiped your ass with hay? I'm told there's nothing quite like it.
4) Forget about driving your car or, for that matter, taking public transportation - it's time to brush up on your horse riding skills. You could always ride a bike, but everybody knows those are only for pussies.
5) Better stock up on cologne, because you’ll only be bathing about once a month or so.
6) I hope you have dental insurance, because without toothpaste or fluoridated water, your teeth will be rotting within a year. Make sure your dentist remembers to skip the Novocain.
7) Disconnect your telephone, cell phone, and yes, even your Blackberry - it's telegrams for you from here on out. Oops, maybe not. Guess it's time to stock up on quill pens, parchment, and homing pigeons.
8) Worried about your kids being brainwashed by liberal educators in today’s secular public schools? Well, worry no more – the spinster who runs the local one-room schoolhouse will put the fear of God into them by any means necessary. And you don’t have to worry about paying for college any more, because junior won’t have any need to go past 6th grade.
9) Say goodbye to fast food, supermarkets, and even vending machines. Chances are you’ll be growing most of your food from here on out. But what are you still doing here?? You’d better go out and slaughter a chicken, or your family isn’t getting dinner tonight.

Hmm, now that I’ve laid it all out, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if all the conservatives went back to the “simple life”. Chances are, we’d never hear from them again. It's win-win.

Fuck Me, I'm Irish

Today is the annual boozefest known as St. Patrick’s Day. It’s a special time when people of all ethnicities get together to honor The Emerald Isle by wearing green and drinking until they puke. This is because Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was a notorious drunk (as are all Irishmen), and was often described as being both envious and horny almost all of the time.

So in honor of our tipsy Irish brothers and sisters, let’s all hoist a Guinness, eat some shamrocks, and thank God that the Catholic Church decided it was okay to blow off Lent just this one time so we can eat some corned beef on Friday.

Erin Go Bragh!*

* Ancient Gaelic meaning “Show us your tits”

Incompetent Idiot

One of the things that make me such a cool cat – and so successful with the ladies - is the amount of time I spend reading opinion poll results. I recently turned my attention to a new poll from The Pew Research Center, succinctly entitled "Bush Approval Falls to 33%, Congress Earns Rare Praise". Aside from the obvious observation that W’s popularity is now somewhere between “Nixon during Watergate” and “blowing strangers in bus station bathrooms”, I saw this little gem of a diagram, detailing what single word respondents thought summed up the President:

Look at some of the top picks for February 2005 – “Honest”? For any politician, that would be a laughable adjective, and for GWB its just plain absurd. The man isn’t even aware of the truth. “Good”? If this guy is good, puppy-rapers are saints. “Christian”? Assuming that this was meant as a positive, this is the most ridiculous of all. What ever happened to the Jesus who said stuff like “turn the other cheek”, “love your neighbor as yourself”, and “the meek shall inherit the Earth"? He must be rolling in His grave.

Now look at March 2006. Notice anything different? Like, perhaps, the appearance of a swear word to describe him? I’m sure a few respondents tried to get “Fuckstain” on the list, but the good people at Pew made them tone it down a bit. We’ve also got some winning descriptions like “Incompetent”, “Idiot”, “Liar”, “Stupid”, and “Jerk” (Jerk? That's the best you could come up? I guess "Big Meanie" doesn't count, because it's two words). In fact, according to another chart on that page, 48% said something negative, while only 28% said something positive. (By the way, they probably count ambiguous bullshit like “Sincere” as a positive. In high school I knew a kid who was “Sincere” in his belief that he was a member of G. I. Joe named “Striker”. He used to do barrel rolls off of his chair in the middle of class, because he thought he was in the middle of a firefight with COBRA. That wasn’t a good thing.)

What really gets my goat about all of this is that a healthy chunk of the people who disapprove of the President in this latest poll (57%) actually voted for the man a year and a half ago. It just goes to show you – democracy sucks.

Just Like Jesus, I'm Back From the Dead

Lately, I've been considering reviving this here blog. There's too much amusing stuff going on in the world which is not being properly mocked. For example, may I direct your attention to the best unintentionally-funny headline I have seen in a while:

"Miss Deaf Texas struck by train, killed"

That's good shit. I'm waiting for "Miss Blind Texas walks off a cliff" or "Miss Paraplegic Texas rolls into a lake". Its gems like these that have inspired me to start posting again, so keep an eye on this space.