Peeing in the Meme Pool

Smoking in Japan

2006-10-11T11:41:00.000-04:00

Alaska and I went to see David Sedaris last night at the University at Buffalo (my alma mater). I’m not a huge fan of Sedaris – I find his folksy style somewhat irritating – but he was quite entertaining last night, and now I’m halfway through his bestseller Me Talk Pretty One Day (which he graciously signed for us).

Near the end of the talk, he mentioned that he had just returned from Japan. Sedaris is a smoker, God bless him, and he said that in many areas of Japan, smoking outdoors is restricted to certain areas. Posted around these smoking areas are signs encouraging proper smoking etiquette, including this little gem:

Here is a site with about 45 more of these odd little signs. Don't worry about the funny squiggly lines everywhere; that's how people over there write.

Peak-a-boo

2006-08-17T21:18:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently read "The Coming Economic Collapse" and, in his words, has “been flipped out ever since”. I don’t blame him. He sent me a link to a web site which details most of what the book argued, and it is some scary shit. As in, "time to buy a bicycle, a shotgun, and a shit load of canned goods" scary.

Essentially, the problem is this: at some point within the next 20 years (and some people say we may already be at that point), we will reach what is known as “peak oil”, where the world’s oil production will reach the highest possible level, and then begin to drop off. In the meantime, of course, demand will keep increasing, and anyone who knows anything about economics knows that means that oil prices will skyrocket. You think $3 for a gallon of gas is bad? Wait until it becomes clear that HOLY SHIT WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF OIL.

I’ve known about this for a while, but until I read up on it I didn’t realize just what a huge problem it will be. Alternative energy sources like solar, wind, ethanol, and all that crap are nowhere near efficient enough to replace good old fashioned petroleum. Maybe some clever combination of these alternative energies can eventually replace oil, but the amount of time (multiple decades) and money (dozens of trillions of dollars or more) required to build up the necessary infrastructure is going to cause massive problems, particularly if peak oil is less than 20 years away. Fossil fuels currently provide 86% of the energy used by the US; do you really think a bunch of fucking windmills can replace that in the next few years?

So, even assuming that we actually start working on this right now, it’s pretty likely that we’ll be facing some serious problems in the coming years. Wars for the remaining oil will probably pit us against China, India, Russia, and maybe even the EU, with the poor suckers in the Middle East on the losing end. No wonder we don’t want them to have nukes…

In fact, the more you think about world events through the prism of peak oil, the more things start to make sense. It explains why the government doesn’t seem too eager to reign in rising oil prices (to get us used to it being ever more expensive); it explains why nobody has built a new refinery in the US for the past 30 years (by the time its done, we probably won’t have any use for it any more); it explains the strategic importance of a stable Iraq (which sits on top of one of the few remaining oil fields that could stave off the peak for a little while longer); it might even explain why we are so disinterested in reducing greenhouse gas emissions (in a few decades, fossil fuels will be so prohibitively expensive that we won’t be burning them much anyway).

Happily, I don’t expect to live long enough to experience the worst of the oil crunch. In fact, I just bought a brand new sports car that gets an awesome “fuck you” of 19 miles per gallon. And since I don’t have any children (and God willing never will), I don’t give a shit what happens to the rest of you morons once I’m gone.

Dear AOL

2006-08-10T17:30:00.000-04:00

Oops. Somebody exploited a security hole at AOL and downloaded the search logs for a bunch of users. What does this mean to you? Hilarity! You can use this tool to search the logs, and you'll be surprised how many times you see gems like this:

15232356 1188995 fetish women getting flattened into a pancake like in the cartoons
15232364 1188995 flatphiles 2006-03-14 01:04:25
15232365 1188995 pics of girls getting steamrolled squished and pushed through paper makers.
15232416 1188995 anything flattened 2006-03-16 03:18:35
15232417 1188995 anything flattened erotic

Or:

135364 329019 i am determined to see jesus 2006-05-26 22:45:08
135365 329019 biblical women determined to see jesus 2006-05-26 22:46:36
135373 329019 sinners determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:55:12
135374 329019 harlot determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:57:35
135376 329019 determined to see jesus 2006-05-27 19:58:41
135377 329019 determined to seek jesus 2006-05-27 19:59:54
135379 329019 mapquest 2006-05-27 20:23:41

Or:

129732 317966 my mother inlaw rubbed her tits on me 2006-03-01 10:04:13
129734 317966 my son inlaw stares at my tits 2006-03-02 09:53:18
129737 317966 my son inlaw makes me horny 2006-03-02 09:55:10
129738 317966 i love my son inlaws male member 2006-03-03 07:39:38
129739 317966 my mother inlaw touched my male member 2006-03-03 07:41:45
129740 317966 my mother inlaw bathed me
129784 317966 my mother wants my husbands cock 2006-03-15 09:03:52
129785 317966 i saw my mother inlaw blowing my father inlaw 2006-03-16 08:03:13
129786 317966 i caught my mother inlaw giving my father inlaw a blowjob 2006-03-16 08:09:44
129787 317966 i caught my mom sucking my husbands cock

Good times. If you had any shred of respect or hope for humanity, prepare to have it blown away.

Someone has started collecting the good ones here (make sure select "See everything" at the top!), but its just the tip of the iceberg.

JEWS!

2006-08-02T15:22:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am aware that I have not posted anything lately. My main excuse is that I finally have a girlfriend after far too many years of desperate, bitter loneliness, and I now spend most of my time and energy trying to convince her to have sex with me. (I will henceforth refer to her as “Alaska”, mainly because she is cold and distant, but also because she is from Detroit). Having Alaska around has made me a much happier person in general, which I suppose is good for me, but bad for my trademark brand of cynical and hate-filled social commentary. Plus, its not like anyone reads this blog anyway, so the stuff I spend way too much time writing and revising and polishing ends up going to waste, and quite frankly I don’t really have the ambition or motivation to keep trying.

But then something came along that inspired me to post again. I am talking, of course, about Mel Gibson’s crowning performance as a drunken anti-Semitic asshole. He wasn’t really that drunk; he blew a .12, which is pretty much what my personal baseline blood alcohol content is. My main problem with Mel’s anti-Semitism is how run-of-the-mill and uncreative it is. I mean, “Fucking Jews... are responsible for all the wars in the world"? That’s the best you can come up with? So here, as a public service to Mel and other Jew-haters everywhere, are some of my favorite reasons to dislike God’s Chosen People:

They killed Jesus. Even though J. C. had to die in order to save mankind from the Matrix or whatever it is that he did, the Christians are still pretty mad about it. It makes you wonder if everybody would still hate the Jews if Christ had died from, say, choking on a pretzel.

They distracted the Germans from taking over the world. Nobody ever really mentions this, but if it wasn’t for Jews, the Nazis would have been able to divert all the time and effort of running concentration camps to more useful endeavors like conquering the entire globe. Then we’d all be wearing lederhosen, eating sauerbraten, and drinking much better beer.

They are funnier than gentiles. Can you name a non-Jewish comedian? Ok, probably, but not many, and those that are out there mostly suck anyway.

They run Hollywood. Hollywood makes terrible movies. (Of course, so does Mel Gibson, so I can understand if he disagrees with this point.) In particular, they keep making stupid, unwatchable Holocaust movies. Get over it already!

Jewish mothers are crazy. A friend of Alaska’s once dated a Jewish girl whose mother called her upwards of 20 times a day. And the daughter would answer no matter where or when it was – even, apparently, in the middle of sex. That’s some fucked up shit.

They run the yarmulke and kosher food industries. It’s true! You can’t buy a yarmulke in this country without a Jew getting your money. And don’t get me started on kosher foods. My local drug store has a big sign outside it that proclaims “Kosher and Non-Kosher Foods Available”, which is a great way to appeal to both Orthodox Jews and raging anti-Semites.

They invented circumcision. What the hell kind of people think it’s a good idea to slice off a piece of a newborn’s wiener? Jews, that’s who. Thanks a lot, assholes.

At Least Someone is Reading This

2006-06-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

I check my Sitemeter stats frequently to see how many people are reading the crap that I write (nobody). I also check who referred visitors here, so I can get an idea of who is linking to me (nobody). But these referral logs have revealed something I didn't think about when I first named my blog: a lot of people, not all of them Germans, do web searches for the word "peeing". In particular, the other day someone stumbled on to my site after searching for "peeing children". Needless to say, that person left disappointed. Some other disturbing searches that have brought people here in the past few weeks include "peeing in the pool", "peeing rapers", “little child peeing stories “, “shit sperm peeing”, “fuck pool”, “preteen models fuck”, and "comaphilia".

From this, I have come up with some valuable advice:

1) If you are coming here looking for peeing, people who enjoy recreational peeing, pictures of people peeing, or in general anything related to peeing as a hobby, you are looking at the wrong site. Try mySpace.

2) If you are creating a new blog, think carefully about what you are going to name it. You may inadvertently attract the wrong sort of people – assuming that you aren’t creating a site for necrophiliacs and other assorted perverts. For example: “Hot Steaming Loads” would be a bad name for a blog about your laundry, and “Rusty Trombones” is not an ideal name for your musical instrument restoration site.

3) Don’t post an article listing all the disturbing search terms that people have used to find your site. That will only encourage them.

4) Never write a post listing hilarious sexual fetishes.

5) For the love of God, never, ever list random perverted phases at the bottom of your blog posts, unless you wish to attract the kind of sick freaks that would search for them.

“golden shower”
"donkey punch”
“blumpkin”

Motherfucking Bear on a Motherfucking Trampoline

2006-06-17T13:20:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately I am still alive, I've just been way too lazy/drunk/depressed to blog lately. Today is no exception, but I just had to post this because it is SO FUCKING AWESOME:

Lessons in Ruthlessness, Part 2: Spoiling the Grandkids

2006-06-06T19:58:00.000-04:00

As with our last Lesson, today’s Ruthlessness is brought to you by two old people, this time in Florida. The couple (their names have not been disclosed) offered $100 for the murder of their son’s wife, along with her three children and the family dog. The reason, according to the cops, is that the couple’s son is in the clink for “sexual battery on a child, lewd and lascivious molestation and showing obscene material to a minor”. The kids were the victims of this fine young man’s alleged crimes, and I’d bet that the dog was probably involved in some way, too. Is it just me, or does the “showing obscene material to a minor” thing sound a bit bland compared to raping your own 10-year-old daughter? Anyway, grandma and grandpa apparently tried to have the kids killed to prevent them from testifying against their perverted father. Nice. It seems that being a sociopath is genetic after all.

What I find most shocking about this is that this crazy couple actually thought they could get 4 people whacked for $25 a pop, or just $20 if you count the dog. That might have worked back in the Depression, Pops, but $25 doesn’t buy as many apples today as it did back then. If I could get anyone greased for $25, there’d be a whole lot of corpses out there. Did these two really not get suspicious when the guy they were talking to agreed to such low prices? So remember, if you want to have your grandchildren killed, be prepared to pay top dollar. This isn't one of those jobs you can give to a Mexican that you picked up at Home Depot.

The Village Sucks

2006-05-31T23:58:00.000-04:00

Oh, M. Night Shyamalan, however you pronounce that crazy-ass last name of yours; first you wowed me by making Bruce Willis seem like a decent dramatic actor in The Sixth Sense, then you proved your mad directing skillz and Samuel L. Jackson attunedeness to me with Unbreakable, and then you pissed me off with the stupidly lame religiosity of Signs, despite the excellent first half (I blame Mel). But still, I knew deep down that you could be a great writer/director, if only you had free reign to create what you wanted to create.

Oh well, wrong again.

I mean, seriously - what the fuck? The Village is probably the stupidest movie I've seen in a few years, and yes, I did see Transporter 2. You had such promise, M, but then this shit, and that stupid American Express commercial on top of it. Thanks for letting me down yet again.

On the plus side, I've recently watched a shitload of House, and that show is awesome*. Take lessons, Shamalamadingdong.

* Anyone who, in Prime Time, can tell a cute little kid, "It takes one to know one, loser!" deserves my utmost respect.

Lessons in Ruthlessness, Part 1: Solving Homelessness

2006-05-26T15:30:00.000-04:00

Today I’m kicking off a new feature: Lessons in Ruthlessness. I’ve always admired people who pursue some lofty goal – be it profit, power, or whatever – with complete and utter disregard for the welfare and feelings of their fellow man. I’ve tried hard to trade in the remnants of my conscience for large amounts of cash, so I look to these role models for inspiration and guidance.

Our first Lesson is quite a doozy, and it comes to us from, where else… Los Angeles. Two septuagenarian women, Helen Golay and Olga Rutterschmidt, were arrested last Thursday on fraud charges. Their alleged crime? Taking in two homeless men, giving them a place to live, food to eat… and 19 life insurance policies valued at over $2 million. Two mysterious hit-and-run accidents later, and the women cashed in on their callous investments. Police suspect the pair may have run this brilliant scam before, and are now looking at past unsolved murders for links.

This story has it all: seemly innocent grandmothers revealed as greedy sociopaths; novel methods of making money off of vagrants; turning seemingly kind acts into startlingly craven schemes for bilking insurance companies. It takes a special kind of mind to look at a homeless person and see a gold mine. Bravo!

I Believe the Children Are Our Future

2006-05-24T15:22:00.000-04:00

Most of these children will grow up to be worthless, ignorant assholes.

A few weeks ago I wrote about my disdain for old people. But my scorn for the elderly pales in comparison to my utter contempt for another segment of the population: children.

If there’s one single group of human beings that causes me the most aggravation in life, its disgusting, stupid, annoying, smelly little children. I see nothing cute or worthwhile about the little shits, and for the life of me I can’t fathom why anyone would want to spend time with them, let alone produce one of their own.

From the moment they are squeezed or cut out of the womb, they begin what for most will be a lifelong habit: crying. For months after being born, they monopolize the time of at least one otherwise potentially productive adult by demanding food, attention, diaper changes, bathing, and so on. (Those that don’t have the decency to snuff it before turning senile will repeat this dependency in their golden years, inflicting it on their own children and grandchildren, possibly for many years.) After this, the lucky parent(s) get to experience the joys of toilet training, teething, and cleaning up strained carrots flung on to walls during obnoxious and selfish temper tantrums.

Occasionally, you hear about some inconsiderate infant that just up and dies in its sleep. It’s a big medical mystery why this sort of thing happens, although I personally never rule out the possibility of a frustrated parent with a well-applied pillow. What a waste. All that time and effort expended to bring a fresh new life into this world and, poof, gone. At least the coffins are cheap. (I love that page; from the title (“coffins for children at discounted prices”) to the awkward blurb at the top (“Please accept our deepest condolences in the loss of your infant or child. So sorry.”))

Assuming the youngin’ has the sense to survive into the toddlerhood, its parents have a whole new world of fun waiting for them. This is the time when the little monsters are just clever enough to get themselves into large amounts of trouble. It was around this time in my own life that I amused my parents – and the local emergency room staff - by shoving an entire packet of sunflower seeds up my nose.

Children are very impressionable at this age. This is when they start to learn adult behaviors such as brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, and swearing loudly at the slightest provocation. If you are ever unfortunate enough to find yourself caring for one, use this fact to your advantage. For example, you know those little plastic thingies you plug into power outlets to prevent kids from electrocuting themselves as they stumble around the house? I’m going to invent one that is semi-conductive, so when some dumb little shit touches it, it’ll give just enough of a shock to make him learn a lesson. It’s not something he will do twice, that’s for sure.

This is also the time of life when children are most blatantly annoying to other people. For some reason, parents feel it’s a good idea to drag their insufferable offspring into public places like supermarkets or restaurants, where the little bastard’s tantrums can annoy total strangers. Anyone who has ever been stuck on a long flight with a screeching tot knows just how intolerable they can be.

If a child can survive the common perils of being a toddler (getting trapped in old refrigerators, choking on razor blades in apples given to them by people like me, being shot by fellow students in kindergarten, etc), they enter the exciting pre-teen years. This is when the child has just enough mental capacity to really begin to inflict evils on the rest of society. Recall that preteen girls are responsible for the popularity of Titanic - I don’t think I need to say more about their repulsiveness.

Now, most intelligent people already realize what a terrible emotional and financial strain it is to have a child, and through the use of birth control, being gay, or just plain not getting laid, they avoid reproducing altogether. This is a good idea for an individual, but for society it’s been disastrous: only the stupid are breeding. In particular, Catholicism is one of, if not the, fastest growing religions in the world, largely because they forbid birth control and have a secret cure for homosexuality. Thus the population is quickly being overwhelmed by people with a genetic predisposition for foolishness and gullibility. This is one of many reasons I have given up hope for the future of humanity.

How can we prevent the further dumbening of the gene pool? Far be it from me to suggest that smart couples begin having children; I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Instead, we should somehow trick the dumbasses of the world into raising the children of the smart. Here’s my initial plan:

Develop a virulent disease that renders its victims infertile.
Inoculate worthwhile people against that disease some Sunday morning, while the undesirables are at church.
Unleash the disease at NASCAR events, Ashlee Simpson concerts, Justice Sunday III, Republican fundraisers, etc.
Once the infected realize they are all infertile, they will be clamoring for donor sperm and eggs for IVF. Those of us that are still fertile will get a large amount of cash for our gametes, as this will now be a seller’s market.
The dumb will then raise a generation of children with a genetic predisposition to intelligence, while the rest of us can enjoy life knowing someone else is tending to our worthy spawn.

This plan may well be too little too late to save humanity, but it might at least slow the decline.

Martha Logan Just Needs Some Deep Dicking

2006-05-23T09:34:00.000-04:00

The season finale of “24” last night was kinda lame. Sure, a lot of people died, some of them via an all-too-rare knife to the throat, and RoboCop got gunned down in cold blood. Sweet. We also learned that it takes President Logan less than five minutes to fuck his wife, including the time to change clothes afterward. I understand that it’s been a stressful day, and you are on a tight schedule, but damn - no wonder that bitch is so crazy! I bet Aaron would treat her right.

There was a whole lot of stuff that happened last night that didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. What the fuck happened to Wayne Palmer? Why did Jack bother to kidnap President Logan if he wasn’t willing to at least shoot him in a kneecap? Or maybe slap him around a little? How can a bug the size of a rabbit turd transmit a signal halfway across LA? Why was Jack released by the Secret Service? Isn’t kidnapping the President, regardless of how big a prick he is, at least a misdemeanor? How did the Chinese get Jack from that industrial park to a ship in the middle of the ocean during a commercial break? Why did Chloe marry that asshole in the first place? Was it his fake English accent? How did RoboCop not notice that his gun had no bullets? Was he too busy trying to remember his Russian nuclear submarine training?

Anyway, it’s done, and we won’t be getting a fresh Jack Bauer fix until January 2007. In China. Great. At least they’ll have a hard time working in some obnoxious cougar-related subplot involving Kim.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read the above stuff if you haven’t watched last night’s episodes yet.

Bitches, Leave

2006-05-22T10:32:00.000-04:00

One of the few nice things about living in Buffalo is The Beast, the local satirical newspaper that I mentioned a few days ago. Their newest edition is now online (PDF), and among other things, it contains this great little graphic:

RoboCop, where are you? Oh right, you're about to get your ass kicked by Jack Bauer.

All of My Friends Are Cynical Assholes, Too

2006-05-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

Its performance review time where I work, when we try to remember what we’ve done over the past year in order to justify our piddling raises. One of my co-workers was asked to list his top ten accomplishments for the year. Here’s how he replied (details changed to protect the guilty):

10 accomplishments since last review

1) Reworked [Big Product] solution paper after Marketing embarrassed us in front of [Big Customer] with their version.

2) Wrote a great [Big Product] white paper before it was totally ravaged.

3) Came up with a kick ass training that explained [Big Product] in a way even a sales person can get.

4) Represented [Company] at a number of tradeshows, providing a highly professional face to the customer. I provided a deep understanding of our products and the customer’s applications, even when hung over.

5) I worked diligently to ensure that Marketing and Engineering fully appreciated the customer’s perspective - in product requirements, product development and in marketing efforts. Since [Company] rarely considers the customer in its decisions, this is a valuable service.

6) Brought my considerable technical and market knowledge to product development efforts. In discussions about future products I have provided valuable input on technical features and market realities that have utterly escaped product management.

7) Resolved a number of customer issues quickly and efficiently. With all of the problems our products have, this is important.

8) Quickly learn and adapt to new technologies and products. I quickly learned the [New Big Product] product and acquired most knowledge the first time as opposed to needing it repeated a millions times like some.

9) I developed several new and easy to use user interfaces for the [Other New Big Product] product even though they where completely ignored by product management and engineering. These user interfaces where shown to [Big Customer]’s UI engineering team and they agreed that my design closely followed [Big Customer]’s own design criteria.

10) Managed to maintain a reasonably positive attitude despite the daily, no, hourly onslaught of corporate political BS, management missteps, widespread gross incompetence and overall lack of motivation and morale.

Fuck You, Bush

2006-05-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, Mr. Bush. You've fucked over the environment, turned the Bill of Rights into your own personal roll of Charmin Ultra, given ridiculously unnecessary tax cuts to rich assholes, replaced science with moronic superstition, crippled useful government agencies, turned the civil rights of women and gays into craven political tools, needlessly invaded a foreign country and then royally fucked up the aftermath, protected white-collar criminals at the highest levels, packed the Supreme Court with mindless flunkies, killed New Orleans (and, ultimately, Girls Gone Wild), made torture the new default policy of this once-great country, and basically embarrassed every citizen who ever thought democracy was worthwhile. And all the while, I really haven't given a shit because, in truth, it never really affected me in any significant way.

But now you've gone too far. You've preempted "24" by almost 20 minutes. And worse, you did it to talk about fucking immigration, a topic which I could not care less about.

God dammit, Mr. President... I need my Jack Bauer fix! How much abuse do you think the country can take, asshole?!?!

We'd Better Start Testing Their Curlers for Steroids

2006-05-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not a big sports fan, and I usually find hockey to be among the least-watchable things on television. But I do like beer, pizza, and chicken wings, so when my co-workers went out last night to get drunk and watch game 4 of the Buffalo-Ottawa playoff series, I happily joined in. Just my luck, the Sabres got beat and will have to try to win the series on Saturday. Whatever, I got tanked on the cheap ($4.50 for a pitcher!) and had some kick-ass pizza. I hope they make it to the Stanley Cup finals, so they can get crushed on national TV and once again reaffirm Buffalo's perennial loser status.

So imagine my surprise when I came into work this morning, disgustingly hung over, and headed over the The Beast's website. Those crazy motherfuckers perpetrated an awesome prank wherein they got the mayor of Ottawa to agree to send some tech jobs to Buffalo in exchange for the Sabre's throwing a few of the games in the series. Its good to know that our neighbors to the north are just as corrupt as our own politicians.

Israel’s Welfare Queens

2006-05-11T09:28:00.000-04:00

I heard a funny segment on APM’s Marketplace the other day. When Israel was first set up, they found themselves short on ultra-Orthodox rabbis, thanks to the Holocaust. For some reason, they decided to subsidize the few hundred remaining rabbis so they could study the Torah all day. I suppose this is the kind of thing you have to do when setting up a new country, sort of the like the three-fifths compromise, except with stupid people instead of slaves.

Fast-forward 60 years: now the ultra-Orthodox community in Israel numbers a staggering 650,000 people, about 10% of the population. I guess those rabbis like to fuck like rabbits. Somebody noticed that they were paying a large portion of the country to sit around and read instead of doing something productive, so the government cut the subsidies. Of course, all of these guys have started whining about it, because now they have to get – gasp – jobs!

So when you start getting worked up about entitlements in the United States, take a step back and realize just how much worse things could be. At least we aren’t subsidizing a huge population of idiots with stupid beards and hats.

Look Out, Ladies!

2006-05-03T15:15:00.000-04:00

Like most other pathetic single people in this country, I have tried a few online dating services. Nothing good ever came from them, most likely because I would never date any woman stupid enough to be attracted to someone like me based solely on a few lies in an online personal ad. But lately it occurred to me that maybe I just wasn’t being honest enough, so here is my brand new singles ad, coming soon to a dating site near you (click to expand, unless you can read the 0.005 point font):

Home Sweet Home

2006-05-01T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm back in Buffalo, and back at work. In retrospect, I guess urwrong was correct in pointing out that a bad week in Vegas is still about 4000x better than a great week in Buffalo. I'm still too exhausted/drunk/disoriented to do much of anything at the moment, but hopefully I'll be back to my usually bitchy self in a day or two.

Levendis LOVES to Whine

2006-04-29T04:15:00.000-04:00

For my first official post, I thought it would be appropriate to shed some light on the reality of our intrepid leader's real life. He said, "this trip is sucking hard." Here's what that really means:

I'm whining because I spent the day sunning myself by the pool, soaking in more solar rays than Buffalo gets in a year. While drinking.
I have to spend the whole week NOT WORKING like normal people, drinking as much as I want (or can), and tossing quarters into machines that could make me rich (and probably will, because fate is a bitch like that).
I make so much money, I can piss it away at poker tables in Vegas, and yet I still think I'm justified in complaining because no one is feeding me grapes and rubbing my feet (although I can afford that, too).
I jest in my complaints, because I know the only thing that really matters is that in a few hours, my wonderful, brilliant, funny, charming sister will drive through 3+ hours of traffic and boredom to have lunch with me, and no one can put a price tag on that.
Considering the wasteland that is Western New York, I know how fortunate I am to get away once in a while, and even if it isn't perfect, I'm not in Buffalo! Woo-hoo!

I could go on (and Santa knows I want to), but I won't. The short and long of it is that this guy deserves no pity. His life is more charmed than yours. Rally! Riot! Kill whitey!

He may be mad that I'm writing this, but I have wireless and he doesn't. So fuck him.

Yes, I Am Still Alive

2006-04-28T00:28:00.000-04:00

The Frontier, AKA the Vegas shithole I am staying in, doesn't have free Internet access. In fact, they don't even have paid Internet access. I am currently logged in through a NetZero dialup account. Fucking dialup sucks, but I suppose its marginally better than nothing. Anyway, I don't really want to post anything significant yet, as I am totally wasted and about to go out on the town. Suffice to say, this trip is sucking hard, and I will detail why once I get home.

Myspace for Really Stupid People

2006-04-25T12:11:00.000-04:00

From God is for Suckers, someone started a site to make a Christian-safe myspace. Time to fuck with them. Here's my profile, and no, I'm not really James Marsters.

UPDATE: Looks like those douche-bags deleted my account. It's a shame, 'cause I thought it was a real knee-slapper. Oh well, fuck 'em.

California Raison d’Etre

2006-04-23T00:48:00.000-04:00

Holy shit… we finally made it, at 4:30 PM. Only, like, twenty hours after the original ETA. And what do you know, Jesus blessed up with perfect weather on the entire trip, until we hit LA. The city which has cloudless skies 98% of the time was completely overcast by the time we rolled in to town. Ominous sign of things to come, or completely random coincidence? Only time will tell.

Anyway, nothing much notable happened today, except of course a happy family reunion. We drove through the Mojave Desert on the way here, which was pretty disappointing. I don’t have much time to write at the moment, because my damn attention-whore sister and her even bigger attention-whore roommate Jimmy are taking up all my time. We’re headed off to Trader Vic’s pretty soon to drink pina coladas and shoot the shit. More to come later.

Lost Angeles

2006-04-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

Well, we didn’t quite make it to LA today as planned. We are following my sister’s driving route, which she completed in three days. It turns out that we missed one crucial fact: my sister is clinically insane. She drove 14 hours a day to make the cross-continental trip so quickly. Since we don’t have ready access to meth, we’ve scaled back our ambitions, and instead are staying the night in Cedar City, Utah. Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like Utah on a Friday night. Needless to say, I am alone in my hotel room, drinking lots of Jack Daniels – hey, it’s almost just like home!

Strangely, this is the first hotel room I have ever stayed in which is lacking a Bible. I usually try to defile the Good Book in every room I stay in, and I figured Utah would be a shoe-in. Hell, I was even expecting the Book of Mormon, possibly on the original-but-conveniently-lost gold plates. Alas, no dice. Maybe someone stole the Bible to use as rolling papers? (“Have you ever read Revelations… on weed??”) The only thing in the dresser drawers here is an unopened can of Budweiser, which I am really tempted to drink for the sheer depravity of it - but it’s probably a booby trap filled with Mormon Conversion Serum (absinthe and virgin’s blood). I’ll leave it for the next sucker.

Today’s trip, although long (nearly 800 miles over 13 hours), was actually really good. We drove through the Rockies on I-70 for most of the day. That is really an amazing trip, and if you have the means, I highly recommend taking it - in the safety of an SUV traveling at 90 miles per hour. We went from nearly 10,000 feet up, down to 4,500, and then back up to 7,500. We saw endless mesas in endless colors. We drove through canyons and along twisting rivers. And, I swear to God, I even saw some purple mountain’s majesty, along with some amber waves of grain. I’m usually not big on the whole “outdoors” thing, but what I saw today really reinforced my certainty of the puny insignificance of mankind (not that I needed convincing).

Tomorrow, we are getting up obscenely early to make the final leg of our journey. I was just going to give up on LA and have my mom drop me off in Vegas, but my sister wisely enticed me to finish the trip by promising a 12-year-old bottle of scotch - my one weakness (aside from loose women, gambling, smoking, and pornography). So if all goes well, I’ll be in Los Angeles shortly after lunchtime tomorrow. Pray for me!

Today’s vital stats:
Number of times we crossed the Colorado River: At least 4
Wal-marts spotted: 3 (including one in the middle of the Rockies… hey, even mountain-folk need cheap tube socks)
Jesus billboards: 1 (come on Christians, how are you ever going to convert me with just one lousy billboard!?)
Small furry creatures accidentally run over: 1 (not my fault)
Number of times I briefly considered prayer while my mother was negotiating the terrifying downhill curves of the Rockies: at least 30
Pages of The Blind Watchmaker I managed to read despite my mom talking my ear off: about 40
Number of stations we could find on the radio when we crossed from Colorado to Utah: 1, and it was Jesus-related
Number of liters of Jack Daniels I have consumed since getting to my hotel room: .5
Number of cigarettes I have smoked over same time period: at least 15 (I lost count after first .25 liters of Jack)
Chance I will actually be able to wake up at 6:30, as I have optimistically set my alarm clock for: 15%
Chance we will actually make it to LA tomorrow: 90% if mom drives the whole way, 5% if I have to drive (see previous three stats)
Likelihood I will ever drive cross-country again: 0%

I Can't Drive 55

2006-04-20T22:43:00.000-04:00

Today we drove almost the entire length of fucking Kansas. God damn, is this place flat and boring. We are way behind schedule, because my mother is too much of a pussy to drive at night. Our current nesting ground is a Super 8 just outside of Colorado. I don’t think we’ll be able to make it to LA tomorrow – Mapquest says it’s an 18 hour drive. Then again, I’m not exactly eager to catch BUBONIC FUCKING PLAGUE during my vacation.

The Super 8 is, as the name suggests, at least 2 notches above the Motel 6 rat-hole we stayed in last night. I have Internet access and actual shampoo. The bed doesn’t smell too bad (yet), the TV is in color, and there is no clear evidence that a hooker has been murdered in the bathroom. Not bad for the middle of fucking nowhere.

My mom has been surprisingly tolerable during the trip, except for the time she started telling me about the romance novel she is writing. Once she started describing one of the sex scenes, I said to her, “Please, don’t tell me any more or I’ll never be able to get an erection again.” She was quiet for a while after that.

Also, like all old people, she doesn’t drive nearly fast enough. We have easily seen twice as many Jesus billboards out here as we have seen police cars (seriously), and that counts the accident we passed today where two cop cars were directing traffic away from an over-turned church van (better pray harder next time, guys!). So I figure we might as well floor it and take our chances. The speed limit out here is 70, but I try to do at least 88, hoping for Back to the Future-esque time travel to get me out of this hellishly misguided adventure through the intestinal tract of America. But mom, who is thankfully doing most of the driving, doesn’t believe in speeds over 80.

At least I have plenty of time to get some reading done. I just finished America: The Book, which is fucking awesome, and The Areas of My Expertise, which wasn’t quite as fucking awesome, but still better than looking at farmland all day. Once I get out of Kansas, I’ll work up the nerve to crack open The Blind Watchmaker, a book on evolution which I’m sure would get me locked up if a Kansasite saw me reading it. (State motto: “No book learnin’!”)

We counted 9 Wal-Marts on our trip today, but that’s hardly a surprise. I was hoping to see some tornados or maybe even a flying house, but once again Kansas has disappointed me. Goodbye you rectangular shit-hole, you won’t be missed.

Tomorrow:
Colorado (Denver! The Rockies! Boulders! Mile high stuff!)
Utah (Polygamy! Gullible people! Tumbleweeds! Salt lakes!)
Nevada (Prostitution! Gambling! Nuclear bomb proving grounds! Nuclear waste dumps! Secret military bases everybody knows about!)
And, hopefully:
California (Earthquakes! Hedonism! Trannies! Mexicans doing jobs that Americans won’t do! Palm trees!)

I’d Like to Teach the World to Drive

2006-04-20T21:54:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: This message was posted a day late, now that I finally have fucking Internet access. I'll post today's update later tonight, after a few stiff drinks.]

I am currently blogging at you LIVE* and IN COLOR** from Effingham, Illinois. This town was apparently built on the premise that people would be too tired to travel to St. Louis, and would settle for the first shitty rest stop they found. This town sucks. They have yet to figure out the downsides of inbreeding. I am staying at the Motel 6, where management hasn’t even heard of this new-fangled “Internet” fad, so I have no access whatsoever for the first time in several years. I guess I’ll have to post this once I reach civilization [Ed. Note: See?]

The title of this post is about my disdain for every other human being in this country who drives a vehicle. What the fuck is wrong with you people? In the five or so hours I drove today, I encountered at least a dozen people who apparently learned to operate a vehicle by watching Mad Max. Hey dickhead, this isn’t NASCAR, you don’t have to drive three feet behind me at 90 miles per hour. Fucking hell, going on a road trip to see America was a really bad idea.

And I cannot stress enough how much this Motel 6 sucks. I didn’t bother packing shampoo, because I figured I could steal my sister’s while I was at her place, and any hotel I stay in would surely provide one of those tiny bottles. Ha! I’m counting my blessings that Motel 6 even remembered to provide me with a bed. And I am going to leave the door open when I’m in the shower – the interior door frame of the bathroom has several knee-level scratches on it, as if someone tied a hooker to the floor and she tried to claw her way out unsuccessfully. I don’t want to be alone in there with her ghost. Also, this room has exactly one electrical outlet available, presumably because electricity has only been around these parts since earlier this year.

Anyway, I went to dinner with my moms at the local Ruby Tuesdays, and had a lovely Cajun tilapia (what the hell is tilapia anyway? Is this a species of fish that magically appeared 4 years ago and only allows itself to be caught by fisherman for chintzy family restaurant chains?). After that, I ditched her ass and headed to the Friday’s across the street, hoping to score with a local farmer’s daughter or a desperate housewife who found herself looking for a fleeting moment of love in the local watering hole. Wow, was that ever a mistake. I arrived at about 8:45, and was informed that they were about to close (!?!?!?). I didn’t mind much, because the patrons consisted of (1) an obviously drunk Vietnamese gentleman, (2) an overly amorous couple, in which the girl was far too hot for the chump she was fucking, and (3) an underage bartender who was fairly fuckable but smart enough not to engage in conversation with me. So here I am, in my shitty Motel 6 room, alone and eyeing the hand cream.

On the way here we took a short detour to visit Lincoln’s log cabin. I have a picture of me pointing at a dry gourd which was hanging on a hook for no readily apparent reason, but I have no way to get it off of my phone right now (fuck you, Sprint), so that will have to wait.

I’ve also counted 4 giant roadside signs proclaiming something along the lines of “Jesus is Awesome!”. If I see another 6 or 7 of these before hitting LA, maybe they will convince me.

Today:
New York (home sweet home, why did I ever leave?)
Pennsylvania (yawn)
Ohio (fucking swing state, thanks a lot)
Illinois (worse than Pennsylvania, plus traffic)

Tomorrow:
Missouri (Gigantic arches! Rivers that begin with “Miss” but are referred to as old men! Kansas City!)
Kansas (Another Kansas City! Intolerance! Farms! Tornados taking you, your house, and your little dog to fantastic lands far more interesting than anything in the real Midwest!)

* Not true.
** True if you have a color monitor.

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

2006-04-18T13:13:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning I embark on a journey which may damn well kill me. I’m getting into an SUV with my mother and driving the 2,500 miles from Buffalo, NY to Los Angeles, CA. The cost of gas alone will be over $1000 (roundtrip). I am bringing my iPod, my laptop, and several books, in the hopes that I will be able to distract myself from the urge to strangle dear old mom.

I’m tolerating this “quality time” with the mother of my father’s children in order to visit my sister (and co-contributor to this site, despite never doing jack shit around here), who moved to LA several months ago. I look forward to eating her food and sleeping on her couch, just so she can see what its like to have a freeloader around. We’ll also check out all the goofy touristy stuff, like stalking celebrities in Hollywood (anyone know where Paris Hilton lives?) and going to the Dresden Room and Trader Vic’s - with perfect hair, naturally.

Lest you think I’m some nostalgic or sentimental momma’s boy, there is more to this journey than a family reunion. From LA I’ll fly to beautiful Las Vegas, Neveda (without my mom) to piss away ungodly sums of money on gambling, booze, and hookers. If all goes well, I’ll hit a jackpot, get the High Roller Suite at the Bellagio, and die there from a combination sexual exhaustion, alcohol poisoning, and cocaine overdose. However, if things go as they usually do whenever I venture to Sin City, I’ll be returning to Buffalo on Saturday the 29th, penniless, sporting a wicked hangover, and in need of a penicillin shot.

I have no idea what internet access will be like, but I’ll try to get a few site updates in from time to time. I’ll definitely have a summary up on Monday after I get home, unless I don’t survive the trip, in which case I’ll see you in hell.

Secrets from inside the White House

2006-04-14T10:31:00.000-04:00

I've been reading this thread at the Something Awful forums for hours. Its awesome. A guy named "Martin Random" claims to be a White House insider, and he's dishing all sorts of crazy dirt about our dear leaders:

- Tom Ridge is batshit insane with OCD. It got to the point that staffers were doing things like whispering behind his back and trying to plant fake rats in his office to get him to freak out.
- Bush is on massive amounts of anti-depressants, to the point of impotency.
- Cheney was drunk when he shot that guy. He is also a close talker with no social skills, and has the disgusting habit of carrying around a flask of hydrogen peroxide to rinse his mouth, which he then swallows.
- Condi Rice uses a super-secret perfume that drives men crazy. Everyone at the WH is constantly sniffing her surrepticiously.

All of this is probably bullshit, but its extraordinarily entertaining and even somewhat thought provoking. Is it really possible that the people who make the Big Decisions are as insane as this guy says they are? That sure would explain a lot.

(from Wonkette)

Old People Got No Reason

2006-04-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

The elderly have had it pretty good in recent years. Medical science has been keeping them alive with miracle drugs and new procedures, and keeping them rock hard with Viagra. Social Security, Medicare, and insanely generous pension plans have been keeping them from panhandling. Adult diaper technology has made embarrassing accidents a thing of the past. Politicians routinely fellate them (metaphorically, of course) because of their collective power as the only group in this country un-apathetic enough to actually vote. For millions of Americans, the golden years have gotten even goldenier.

This must stop. The old should bow out gracefully once they cease being useful, like in that Star Trek episode when Charles Emerson Winchester capped himself at the age of 60. Instead, today’s super-elderly take up valuable space with their senior centers and nursing homes that could be put to much better use for golf courses or strip malls. Instead of children and grandchildren getting a nice fat inheritance after grandpa forgets to take his heart pills, we have old folks squandering their fortunes on Metamucil and artificial hips long after they should be six feet under.

What’s the point? Nobody likes old people, especially other old people. And who really wants to live so long that they forget how to control their own bladders? I hope I’m dead before my brain rots to the point that I can no longer remember how to tie my shoes (I’m guessing I have at least ten years of hard-core alcohol abuse before that happens).

The main threat to the economy of our country isn’t dirty illegal immigrants, its old people. Without them, we wouldn’t have to worry about Social Security. Medicare would just be for the poor, not septuagenarians who need boner pills. Florida would be little more than trailer parks and drunken spring break sexual escapades, instead of the huge phallic retirement home it is today. And traffic would run much smoother everywhere.

That’s why I applaud the actions of Officer Kelly of Los Angeles, who recently ticketed an 82-year-old woman for taking too long to cross the street. It’s about time that those of us who still have our original teeth started telling these fogies that we’re not gonna take their shit anymore. The next time some old biddy starts arthritically counting out change in front of me in the supermarket check-out line, I’m going to lay down the law. Who’s with me?

Transporter 2 Sucks

2006-04-11T23:02:00.000-04:00

The original Transporter was pretty good, and Jason Statham always kicks ass. But Holy God, the sequel is fucking terrible. Its worse than the Star Wars prequels. I realize that is a pretty harsh allegation, but this piece of shit deserves nothing less.

Where Are All the True Christians?

2006-04-10T14:21:00.000-04:00

Up until around the time I went to college, I was a True Christian. I attended church services three times a week, prayed several times a day, and made sure to give 10% of everything I earned to the church. I was very active in my religion, doing things like visiting smelly old people in nursing homes, attending religious instruction classes, directing the hideously off-key choir, and, so help me, even warping young minds by teaching Sunday School occasionally. I got up behind the pulpit several times to preach the Good Word to my fellow brothers and sisters. Once I spoke in front of a group of close to 500 people. I truly believed I was doing God’s work and that when I spoke, it was God speaking through me.

During that time, my friends were almost exclusively people from the Church. Most of them were hypocritical assholes (like the rich dentist/priest/scumbag that would send his underlings on some menial task and then go to their house and fuck their wives), but I also knew a few who were genuinely good, honest, loving, and compassionate. People who truly tried to be “Christ-like”. People who would ask themselves “What Would Jesus Do?”, and actually mean it.

Those are not the people you hear about. Don’t get me wrong, I still think those people are idiots, but at least they are harmless idiots, and sometimes they even contribute positively to society. But those who proclaim their faith the loudest, and use it as a means of gaining power and control, are not True Christians. Jesus was always talking about helping the poor, being humble, and showing unconditional love to your fellow man. Show me one well known Christian who actually behaves this way, and I’ll show you twenty who regularly ignore or even try to fuck over the poor, who pompously proclaim themselves superior because of their ludicrous beliefs, and who foment hatred against others (Muslims, immigrants, gays, whatever) to further their own greedy agendas.

Those asswipes piss me off, and not just because my fellow citizens are stupid enough to take them seriously. They piss me off because for years I really tried to be a True Christian. I made the sacrifices I was asked to make. I gave fully of myself to do God’s work, and to live the way God wanted me to live. And what did it get me? Jack shit. In fact, worse than jack shit. I was brainwashed. I was deprived of many experiences that I should have had, were it not for the arbitrary rules handed down by a bunch of hypocrites in order to control me and stop me from thinking for myself. And even now that I have freed myself from the chains of religion and other delusions, these douche bags continue to affect my life on a daily basis because we, as a society, allow them to.

So why is it that the so-called Christians of this country tolerate this? Are they all stupid? Probably. Despite what they say, most wouldn’t know Jesus if he sat next to them in their megachurch. In fact, they’d probably think he was a hippy, and they would argue with him about the war in Iraq.

People like to say we live in a Christian nation, but it is nothing of the sort. The hate-fueled, mindless, greedy religion of this country bears little resemblance to the Christianity I once knew. We live in a Hypochristian Nation.

[Sorry for the serious post. I promise a few really funny fart jokes in the coming days.]

Top Ten DHS Pick-up Lines

2006-04-05T14:03:00.000-04:00

Don’t you hate it when some cock-teasing FBI agent poses as a hot 14-year-old girl on the Internet, only to bust you for some harmless phone sex? Just ask Brian J. Doyle, soon-to-be-former deputy press security at the Department of Homeland Security. But for everyone else at DHS, don’t despair – they’re not all FBI agents! From an anonymous source deep inside their new faith-based office, here are the top ten lines DHS officials are using to pick up tight young girls - and boys - on the Internet:

10. Baby, seeing you raises my threat level from Low to Elevated.
9. Have you ever had a category 5 hurricane named after you?
8. It doesn’t matter if you’re an illegal immigrant, because amnesty is just a rim-job away!
7. Have you ever played “Transportation Security Administration”? (see picture)
6. You’re doing a heckuva job, baby.
5. In the interest of national security, it is vital that I personally inspect your ports.
4. Have you ever seen the inside of a FEMA trailer? That bed is more comfortable than it looks.
3. I want to breach your levees with my storm surge of love.
2. I’m putting you on the terrorist watch list, because you’ve totally hijacked my heart.
1. I haven’t been blown that hard since Katrina.

Hallelujah!

2006-04-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

After years of denying the existence of God and His only begotten son Jesus - our Lord and Savior - my eyes have finally been opened to the truth. I have been hating him for killing my puppy when I was 10 years old, but now I understand that that steamroller was just part of His Divine Plan.

My awakening occurred earlier today, when some very friendly and sincere people from the local church knocked on my door at 9 o’clock this morning. Since I have been living a life of depravity and sin, I was still in bed at the time, nearly naked and surrounded by empty whiskey bottles, half smoked cigarette butts, and loads of disgusting pornography. But God magically roused me from my drunken stupor and I answered the door. It was then that I learned the Truth about the Good News that Jesus Christ gave his life to bring to us. And boy howdy, it sure is awesome. I just kinda wish it would have Muslims who opened my heart to God’s Plan, because those 72 virgins sure sound good. But we all must walk the path He has put us upon.

Tomorrow morning I am going to join my brothers and sisters at my new spiritual home. When I get back, I will remove all the evil and immoral words I have written in this space, and start a fresh blog about my newfound love for Jesus. Peace be unto you.

And I Thought I was a Couch Potato Before...

2006-03-23T21:52:00.000-05:00

I am currently sitting on my couch, watching my brand spanking new 50" Sony Grand WEGA television (LCOS technology, capable of true 1080p HD resolution, only 18” deep), and I am happy. The friendly people at Circuit City delivered it this morning, and it still has that new TV smell. This is the single most expensive thing I have ever purchased that I can neither drive nor live in. I may have purchased this enormous TV just to compensate for my small penis, but nevertheless it was a great idea. On this TV, Jaime Pressly’s tits are bigger than my head. That alone justifies the 3-year debt I have incurred.

And the picture is really fucking beautiful. I even watched “xXx: State of the Union” earlier today. It’s a ridiculously terrible movie, but I was so mesmerized by the picture quality that I watched it anyway (muted). It wasn’t a total loss – I found out that Willem Dafoe is even uglier when you see him in hi-def.

I've been looking to buy a new TV for a few months now, because it seems like everyone I know has an HDTV these days, and I was feeling left out. But I noticed something kind of odd when I told my friends that I finally broke down and bought this thing: almost everyone said "Congratulations", as if I had won the lottery or somehow managed to get a couple of supermodels to tag-team me. What the hell are they congratulating me for? I just willingly pissed away a significant percentage of my yearly income on an object that does nothing but show me pretty pictures (albeit really fucking pretty pictures). I’m like the proverbial retard with the proverbial shiny object, except my shiny object costs almost as much as a Mexican's kidney.

Well, whatever. It’s not as if I feel guilty for indulging myself. I suppose I could have spent my money on something beneficial to mankind, like AIDS education for homos, food for darkies, or dinner plates for Republican fundraisers. Thank God I was born without the liberal guilt that so many others suffer from. I do feel slightly bad about making such a selfish purchase, but really – have you seen the fucking picture on this thing?!? It’s awesome!!

A Glimpse of Things to Come

2006-03-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

I’m all for executing Christians, but this particular news item made me queasier than usual:

Afghan Christian convert could be executed
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In the days of the Taliban, those promoting Christianity in Afghanistan could be arrested and those converting from Islam could be tortured and publicly executed.
That was supposed to change after U.S.-led forces ousted the oppressive, fundamentalist regime, but the case of 41-year-old Abdul Rahman has many Western nations wondering if Afghanistan is regressing.
Rahman, a father of two, was arrested and is on trial for rejecting Islam. The Afghan constitution, which is based on Sharia, or Islamic law, says that apostates can receive the death penalty.

Once the Republicans achieve their goal of pulling that pesky “separation of church and state” stuff from the Constitution, those of you who don’t believe in their invisible friend will be on the short list for stoning outside the city gates (and I don’t mean the good kind of stoning, I mean the literal kind). Luckily, due to 17 years of brainwashing during my younger days, I know the Bible and general Christian dogma better than most so-called Christians, so I’ll be able to fake my way on to the winning team. But when I’m called upon to chuck rocks at my fellow heathens, I’ll try really hard to miss - I throw like a girl anyway.

Traditional Values

2006-03-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

It really gets my dander up when some conservative dipshit starts blathering on about “Traditional Values”. I can almost understand being nostalgic if you’re some senile blue-haired biddy who misses her log cabin or butter churn or something, but it's likely that anyone who grew up since the 60s doesn’t even have a genuine idea of what life was like in the good old days. Fortunately, I am here to enlighten you:

Slavery
Aside from S&M clubs and Wal-Mart, slavery doesn’t really exist in this country anymore. That’s a shame, because I could really use a good old-fashion slave. For starters, my house is a complete mess, and I can’t afford to hire one of those topless maids to come over more than once a month or so. Owning a young nubile African girl would be much more convenient. While I am playing online poker, she could do all the things I can’t be bothered with – doing laundry, washing dishes, talking to my mother, etc. Plus, if I ever get short of cash, I can just knock her up - and nine months later, like magic, I’ll have a fresh bouncing baby to bring down to the slave market.

Exclusion from suffrage
For all you illiterates out there, this means “don’t got no right to vote”. I actually agree with this concept, because when I think about how many reality-TV-watching, SUV-driving NASCAR dads there are in this country, universal suffrage sounds like a really bad idea. In the good old days you had to own property in order to vote, so you actually had some stake in the outcome and therefore maybe based your decision on something more substantive than a 30-second “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” ad you saw during an episode of CSI:Reykjavik.

Child labor
It’s about time somebody brought this idea back to life. Kids could easily be model employees: they don’t care about health benefits, they're too stupid to unionize, they would kill to make minimum wage, and, thanks to video games, all of them have great manual dexterity. In fact, they're just as exploitable as illegal immigrants, with the added bonus that they usually don't smell as bad. Before we send the last of our manufacturing jobs to China, we need to repeal child labor laws to make America competitive again. It’s either that or, you know, the rest of us will have to start working harder.

Mistresses
Can you name one influential historic figure who didn’t fuck around on his wife? Hell, even Eleanor Roosevelt had a girlfriend on the side. These days, you can’t even get a simple hummer in the Oval Office without Congress handing down letters of impeachment, so it's a good thing for Bush that nobody outside of Fox News wants to fellate him (and nobody wants to get head from a mongoloid like Shepard Smith). Back in the good old days, men were men, wives knew their place (the kitchen), and nobody gave a shit where you stuck your dick – unless it was in another guy’s ass.

Technology
I suppose this doesn’t exactly count as a “value”, but I felt the need to include it anyway, so fuck you. Are you really longing for the “good old days”, when everything was oh so much better? Then try this little experiment:
1) Turn off your electricity. The Founding Fathers didn’t have it, aside from the occasional kite in a thunderstorm, so you don’t get it either.
2) Flush your Prozac, Viagra, and Ambien down the toilet, since they are the products of evil modern life. Don't fret - there are plenty of leeches in the local pond to cure what ails you.
3) Oh wait, you can’t flush your pills – indoor plumbing hasn’t been around for all that long either. Enjoy your chamber pot! And by the way, I hope you aren't too fond of your rippled two-ply toilet paper. Have you ever wiped your ass with hay? I'm told there's nothing quite like it.
4) Forget about driving your car or, for that matter, taking public transportation - it's time to brush up on your horse riding skills. You could always ride a bike, but everybody knows those are only for pussies.
5) Better stock up on cologne, because you’ll only be bathing about once a month or so.
6) I hope you have dental insurance, because without toothpaste or fluoridated water, your teeth will be rotting within a year. Make sure your dentist remembers to skip the Novocain.
7) Disconnect your telephone, cell phone, and yes, even your Blackberry - it's telegrams for you from here on out. Oops, maybe not. Guess it's time to stock up on quill pens, parchment, and homing pigeons.
8) Worried about your kids being brainwashed by liberal educators in today’s secular public schools? Well, worry no more – the spinster who runs the local one-room schoolhouse will put the fear of God into them by any means necessary. And you don’t have to worry about paying for college any more, because junior won’t have any need to go past 6th grade.
9) Say goodbye to fast food, supermarkets, and even vending machines. Chances are you’ll be growing most of your food from here on out. But what are you still doing here?? You’d better go out and slaughter a chicken, or your family isn’t getting dinner tonight.

Hmm, now that I’ve laid it all out, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if all the conservatives went back to the “simple life”. Chances are, we’d never hear from them again. It's win-win.

Fuck Me, I'm Irish

2006-03-17T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today is the annual boozefest known as St. Patrick’s Day. It’s a special time when people of all ethnicities get together to honor The Emerald Isle by wearing green and drinking until they puke. This is because Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was a notorious drunk (as are all Irishmen), and was often described as being both envious and horny almost all of the time.

So in honor of our tipsy Irish brothers and sisters, let’s all hoist a Guinness, eat some shamrocks, and thank God that the Catholic Church decided it was okay to blow off Lent just this one time so we can eat some corned beef on Friday.

Erin Go Bragh!*

* Ancient Gaelic meaning “Show us your tits”

Incompetent Idiot

2006-03-16T18:50:00.000-05:00

One of the things that make me such a cool cat – and so successful with the ladies - is the amount of time I spend reading opinion poll results. I recently turned my attention to a new poll from The Pew Research Center, succinctly entitled "Bush Approval Falls to 33%, Congress Earns Rare Praise". Aside from the obvious observation that W’s popularity is now somewhere between “Nixon during Watergate” and “blowing strangers in bus station bathrooms”, I saw this little gem of a diagram, detailing what single word respondents thought summed up the President:

Look at some of the top picks for February 2005 – “Honest”? For any politician, that would be a laughable adjective, and for GWB its just plain absurd. The man isn’t even aware of the truth. “Good”? If this guy is good, puppy-rapers are saints. “Christian”? Assuming that this was meant as a positive, this is the most ridiculous of all. What ever happened to the Jesus who said stuff like “turn the other cheek”, “love your neighbor as yourself”, and “the meek shall inherit the Earth"? He must be rolling in His grave.

Now look at March 2006. Notice anything different? Like, perhaps, the appearance of a swear word to describe him? I’m sure a few respondents tried to get “Fuckstain” on the list, but the good people at Pew made them tone it down a bit. We’ve also got some winning descriptions like “Incompetent”, “Idiot”, “Liar”, “Stupid”, and “Jerk” (Jerk? That's the best you could come up? I guess "Big Meanie" doesn't count, because it's two words). In fact, according to another chart on that page, 48% said something negative, while only 28% said something positive. (By the way, they probably count ambiguous bullshit like “Sincere” as a positive. In high school I knew a kid who was “Sincere” in his belief that he was a member of G. I. Joe named “Striker”. He used to do barrel rolls off of his chair in the middle of class, because he thought he was in the middle of a firefight with COBRA. That wasn’t a good thing.)

What really gets my goat about all of this is that a healthy chunk of the people who disapprove of the President in this latest poll (57%) actually voted for the man a year and a half ago. It just goes to show you – democracy sucks.

Just Like Jesus, I'm Back From the Dead

2006-03-15T09:28:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been considering reviving this here blog. There's too much amusing stuff going on in the world which is not being properly mocked. For example, may I direct your attention to the best unintentionally-funny headline I have seen in a while:

"Miss Deaf Texas struck by train, killed"

That's good shit. I'm waiting for "Miss Blind Texas walks off a cliff" or "Miss Paraplegic Texas rolls into a lake". Its gems like these that have inspired me to start posting again, so keep an eye on this space.

Snakes on a Plane

2006-01-26T16:53:00.000-05:00

Some pathetic jackass has been whining in the comments about my recent lack of posts. Shut up. How do you know I haven’t suffered some hideous tragedy, like having my fingers chewed off by a badger or getting a botched sex change operation?

Well, I haven’t had anything so dramatic happen to me. I’ve just run into a wall of having nothing interesting to say. Looking back at my last few posts, I’m seriously disappointed with the quality of my writing, so like anything else in life I find difficult, I decided to quit and concentrate on my drinking. Nobody reads this shit anyway, except for a few demented souls who find my misanthropy entertaining (you know who you are). What’s the point? We’ll all be dead soon enough anyway, and the next generation of idiots can make unfunny jokes about how stupid everyone is.

Maybe someday I’ll get back that spark that inspired me to start this blog in the first place. Maybe not. I’m going ice fishing this weekend, so assuming that I don’t fall in the lake, freeze to death, or slip into an alcohol induced coma, perhaps I’ll come up with something next week.

In the meantime, here's penis joke: I nicknamed my dick "Popeye" because it loves olive oil.

Why Think When You Can Pray?

2006-01-05T19:21:00.000-05:00

A recent post on Gods4Suckers inspired me to do a wholly unscientific test via Google News:

Search Term - Hits
Prayer - 11,400
Pray - 10,500
Logical conclusion - 313
Rationality - 279
Rational thought - 113
Sound judgement - 81
Think for yourself - 24

Another fun test:
God - 51,600
Jesus - 19,500
Pat Robertson - 890
Albert Einstein - 836
Charles Darwin - 1,870
"Charles Darwin" but not "Intelligent Design" - 544
Stephen Hawking - 74
Richard Dawkins - 74 (we have a tie!)
Lindsay Lohan - 3,150

Is this the media pandering to religious lunatics, or is this a genuine reflection of the way the majority of people think? Either way, I'm praying for a catastrophic meteor strike. God Bless America!

Holy Shit, I Am NEVER Drinking Again

2006-01-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year

Seven Heaven

2005-12-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

I found this over at Pharynugla, and I figured it might be a good way to waste some time on this mind-numbingly boring day.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die
1. ~~Two~~ Three chicks at once.
2. Buy one of those $1000 bottles of booze that are in the glass-walled, temperature-controlled room at the liquor store, because I want to know what a hundred-dollar shot tastes like.
3. Make a really big score on a slot machine or the lotto so I never have to work again, and can live Howard Hughes-style in a Vegas hotel room and never have to speak to another human being ever again.
4. Design some sort of virus that kills only stupid people in an unimaginably painful way, or at least sterilizes them so I don't have to deal with their annoying hellspawn.
5. Come up with some sort of scheme to bilk religious people out of their money, then give that money to the ACLU to fund the War on Christmas.
6. Shoot a man just to watch him die (I have a list of candidates).
7. Find out the true meaning of Christmas.

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. Quit smoking.
2. Quit drinking.
3. Dance without embarassing myself.
4. Get out of bed before 8AM unless my house is actually on fire.
5. Make a boulder so heavy I cannot lift it.
6. Get rid of that rash I've had since college.
7. Convince two chicks to do me at once.

Seven Things That Attract Me to Blogging
1. Complete lack of actual human contact.
2. The fact that nobody reads this crap, so I am free to say anything I want. Mother Teresa was a cunt! Kittens are delicious! Child labor laws are dooming this country!
3. I can blog from work instead of actually doing anything productive.
4. Hopefully, impressionable children will stumble across my blog and become permanately warped.
5. I enjoy being called a jackass.
6. I can obsess over my hit counter and my Google rankings, instead of obsessing over that rash I can't get rid of.
7. Once I finally nail two chicks at once, I'll have a forum where I can brag about it to the world.

Seven Things I Say Most Often
1. "I'm going out for a smoke."
2. "I need a drink."
3. "I suck at life."
4. "Die."
5. "I hate you and everything you stand for."
6. "Another Jack and Coke, please."
7. "Man, I really wish I could do two chicks at once."

Seven Books That I Love
1. Anything Vonnegut
2. The Selfish Gene
3. Does Wikipedia count as a book?
4. The Bible, because it's responsible for more human suffering than any other book, and human suffering is amusing
5. Anything Douglas Adams, except Last Chance to See, which was full of cry-baby environmentalist crap and not particularly funny
6. Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, because it's hilarious that people think they can lose weight by eating fucking bacon
7. Any book where a guy does two chicks at once

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again
1. Fight Club
2. Bad Santa
3. The Godfather, all parts - especially that scene where Pacino closes the door in Diane Keaton's face. The look she has just before it shuts is absolutely priceless.
4. The Big Lebowski
5. Anything Kubrick
6. Any porn where a guy does two chicks at once
7. Seven

Seven People I Want To Join In Too
None, I hate everyone and I really don't care about anybody else's stupid list - unless you are two chicks who will do me at once.

Post-Yuletide Boredom

2005-12-28T16:51:00.000-05:00

Without fail, the week between Christmas and New Years is the most boring week of the year. Many people take this time off of work, and those of us who actually do show up have little actual work worth doing. I’ve been sitting on my ass in my cubicle all day surfing the web, trying to find something out there to pass the time. I hopped over to CNN and saw I wasn’t the only one looking for something interesting going on:

Saving Iraqi baby a new mission for U.S. troops
BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- When troops from the Georgia National Guard raided a Baghdad home in early December, they had no idea that their mission in Iraq would take a different turn.
As the young parents of an infant girl nervously watched the soldiers search their modest home, the baby's unflinching grandmother thrust the little girl at the Americans, showing them the purple pouch protruding from her back.
Little Noor, barely three months old, was born with spina bifida, a birth defect in which the spinal column fails to completely close. Iraqi doctors had told her parents she would live only 45 days.

That’s right; the headline on the front page of world’s premiere news-gathering institution is an article about a baby born in a third-world country with a birth defect, and the brave American soldiers who “rescued” her. Yawn. The only thing remotely interesting about this article is that the baby’s disease, spina bifida, reminded me of spanakopita, that yummy Greek spinach pie. But I’ve already gorged myself for the day, so it’s not even that stimulating to me. (That reminds me - I went to Applebee’s for lunch again, and those fuckers are still playing Christmas carols.)

Here’s a sampling of some of the other headlines CNN has on the front page today:

Mass grave discovered in Iraq
This one seemed moderately interesting until I read the actual article. Turns out this so-called “mass grave” held a measly 20 corpses. Back in the good old days, people knew how to do mass graves right (hint: it usually involves at least a few bulldozers). Twenty people don’t even make for a good party, much less a war crime. For someone nicknamed “The Butcher of Baghdad”, Saddam has turned out to be quite a disappointment.

Dozens indicted in alleged Katrina scam
Again, another one that sounds great until you dig in to the details. It’s always nice to have my bleak view of humanity confirmed by stories of people taking advantage of disaster victims. In this case, forty-nine people were indicted, yet the total amount of fraud is only expected to reach about $400,000. That works out to about eight grand a piece; sure, that’s a good chunk of change, but you’d think with the billions of dollars being thrown at the recovery effort, these people could have managed to at least score enough green for a new car. How hard can it be to scam a bunch of chumps like the Red Cross?

Report: Comedian died of overdose
No shit? There are few phrases in life that are less self-evident than this headline. John Belushi, Lenny Bruce, Chris Farley – I’d be hard pressed to name a decent comedian from that past 50 years who didn’t die a drug-related death.

Pediatricians: Most kids outgrow bedwetting
Wow, and I thought I was special. Really, do you know any kids who haven’t eventually outgrown bedwetting? Is there some national epidemic of adult bedwetters I’ve missed out on? Do these people have some sort of support group, like a 12-step program that begins with plastic sheets and includes tying a rubber band around your dick at night?

Report: Tori Spelling engaged again
Why is this fucking country so obsessed with the personal lives of vapid whores like Tori Spelling? Sure, she’s fairly fuckable, but she is not even remotely talented – she was easily the worst actress on 90210, and that’s really saying something. The only reason anyone has even heard of her is that her Nosferatu-esque father is one of the most powerful men in Hollywood. I only remember her because she was in a movie with the stupidest title I have ever heard – “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” However, it turns out she’s going to be in a movie called “Cthulhu”, so maybe she’s not so bad after all.

Last year, the post-Christmas news cycle was spiced up quite a bit by the Asian tsunami. Watching the body count get ratcheted up on a daily basis was a good distraction from the tedium of real life. This year’s headlines are really lacking, so here’s hoping some newsworthy catastrophe strikes before I have to go back to work tomorrow morning.

Have a Miserable Christmas and a Horrid New Year

2005-12-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my final Christmas obligation. Its time to declare the official end of this year’s Jesusfest, and I am personally celebrating with a large bottle of Jack Daniels. Hopefully this will also be the end of hearing fucking Christmas music everywhere you go, and maybe even Fox News will shelve the ridiculous “War on Christmas” bullshit and go back to fellating the Bush administration.

My Christmastime is usually wretched, and this year was no exception. To start, this is the first Christmas I have spent without my sister, my only sibling and one of the few people I actually find bearable. She usually manages to make family gatherings semi-tolerable, but earlier this year she wisely fled to the other side of the continent, leaving me to fend for myself.

The festivities this year started early, when on Thursday my 77-year-old grandfather, who suffers from emphysema and has an exceptionally weak heart, decided to try to clear snow off of his car over the shrill objections of his wife. Predictably, he had a minor heart attack and I ended up waiting in a dingy emergency room for most of the night, severely impacting my scheduled drinking and poker activities.

On Friday, my friend Alex, whom I’ve known since fifth grade but haven’t seen in over three years, flew in to Buffalo and arrived at my house around midnight. Awaiting him was a generous spread of Mighty Taco and a ridiculously expensive bottle of scotch. We immediately began drinking, catching up, and reminiscing. The scotch ran out by 6 AM, but instead of thinking rationally and calling it a night, we decided to call a cab instead and headed over to the local Indian casino. There were a surprising number of degenerate gamblers at the casino at 7 on Christmas Eve morning. We managed to piss away a not-insignificant amount of money before feasting at the breakfast buffet and heading back to my place to grab a few hours of sleep before going off to our respective family gatherings.

My Christmas Eve dinner was hosted at my grandparents’ house. The Grim Reaper is hovering outside this place, as my aforementioned grandfather races with my equally sickly grandmother to be the first to the grave. They could each be on a poster advertising the dangers of a lifetime of smoking and alcohol abuse, although having lived together for 50+ years I can understand the urge to make life more bearable through chemistry. They are both stubborn assholes, and refuse to allow themselves to be moved to a nursing home, causing no end of grief for their only close relative dumb enough to still live near them (me).

Of course, their imminent deaths are of some concern to their children, my mother and my aunt. They both traveled several hours to be here, as it is likely that this will be the last Christmas either of the old farts will see. So mom and my aunt labored for hours on a traditional Polish feast, with sausage, pierogi, and other stuff I have no hope of spelling correctly. My aunt even went to great lengths to get a CD of Eastern European Christmas carols, which were a welcome relief from the usual American fare (they were still crappy, but they were crappy in a foreign language).

Once dinner time rolled around, everyone gathered around the table – except grandma. Apparently Kelly Ripa was about to appear on Entertainment Tonight, and she didn’t want to miss it. So we all waited a few minutes for Kelly’s historic appearance to finish. When grandma finally entered the dining room, she immediately requested that the “awful music” be turned off, and as she was sitting down, she commented how one particular dish looked like someone had puked into the bowl.

What a cunt.

I witnessed a true Christmas miracle that day when my aunt somehow managed not to strangle her mother during dinner. We made it through okay with the help of generous amounts of pinot noir, and I was able to get the hell out of there by 9 PM.

Today’s festivities were quite a bit better, but nothing notable happened so I won’t bore you with details. The main highlight was the gift of liquor, some of which I am enjoying as I type (thanks Dad!). I also managed to score a bit of cash, and a Best Buy gift card which will be put to use as soon as humanly possible. The oddest gift this year was the jerky sampler my mother gave me, which includes such exotic meats as elk, ostrich, alligator, boar, and kangaroo. I’ve never eaten a marsupial or a reptile before, but I expect it to be a life altering experience.

UPDATE: Kangaroo is yummy

It Was a Very Good Year

2005-12-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

Our Dear Leader GWB has recently proclaimed that 2005 has been "a good year for the American people”. Amen! Here’s a rundown of the highlights from the “Year of the Cock”:

Katrina punished the wickedness of New Orleans
Much like Sodom and Gomorrah, God saw fit to rebuke the wanton occupants of New Orleans by decimating their hedonistic city. Bush helped God’s will along by preemptively striking levee money from the budget, and then ensuring that FEMA would be so radically mismanaged that the survivors of the disaster would end up envying the dead. Next on God’s hit-list: Las Vegas.

Brave GOP officials exposed the cynical politics of Democrats
Courageous Republicans like Tom “The Hammer” Delay, Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and Bill “I’m such an awesome doctor I can diagnose patients from the Senate floor” Frist baited the Democrats in to falsely accusing them of corruption and other felonies, thus exposing the contempt liberals hold for our great republic. For shame, Democrats! It’s not like these guys were getting blow jobs from interns or anything. They just participated in a few business deals like any good American patriot would. But I guess you dirty commies wouldn’t understand that.

People began to appreciate the value of fossil fuels
Now that the Blue Book value of most people’s vehicles has been surpassed by the cost of a tank of gas, the American public is finally beginning to understand just how important petroleum is to the smooth running of our economy. Congress has responded by increasing tax cuts to the benevolent corporations that supply us with the life-blood of our economy. Sure, Bush couldn’t manage to run his own oil company, but now that he’s been given a chance to influence them all, he’s taken that ball and run with it. Of course, the liberals keep fighting our God-given right to drill for oil in ANWR, but those polar-bear huggers aren’t going to be able to hate America for much longer.

Terrorists haven’t managed to strike us again
Thanks to bold moves like banning lighters from airplanes, freedom hating terrorists haven’t been able to hit us again on American soil. Bush’s plan of “giving them targets over there so they forget about the targets over here” has worked spectacularly, at a bargain price of only a few hundred billion dollars, a few thousand soldiers, and a few tens of thousands of innocent civilians. Next time you see a legless veteran panhandling outside of a Starbuck’s, be sure to let him know how much you appreciate his sacrifice by giving him your pocket change.

Briefly, some other highlights from “aught-five”:

Michael Moore hasn’t made another movie – The Godless liberal commie was so crushed by the defeat of John “Swift Boat Back to Taxachusetts” Kerry that he hasn’t been able to churn out any more of his disgraceful “documentaries”.

NASA put something into space without losing it or blowing it up – Shuttle Discovery made a triumphant return to space almost 3 years after the Columbia accident. The shuttle’s mission included studying effective ways to torture Iraqi insurgents in zero gees.

An earthquake in Kashmir eliminated over 80,000 potential terrorists – And with the infamously harsh Kashmiri winter about to set in, we can expect that number to grow by quite a bit before spring. God is a valuable ally in the War on Terror!

Race riots in France – Minorities in France began a weeks-long riot after some dumbasses electrocuted themselves while running from the police. Americans laughed at the frogs’ inability to subjugate and oppress their own dark-skinned citizens.

The US executed its 1000th prisoner since the resumption of capital punishment in 1976 - One thousand down, three hundred million to go!

Coming soon – the not-so-great aspects of 2005.

Hitch's Happy Holidays

2005-12-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

Pretentious gasbag Christopher Hitchens has a readable article up at Slate about the "War on Christmas" bullshit. I normally find Hitchens to be annoying and irritating, particularly when he appears on Real Time with Bill Maher, but this piece is pretty good. I particularly like the comparison of Jesus to Kim Jong Il.

The Church of Wal-Mart

2005-12-18T18:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a group of about 50 people decided to protest outside a Wal-Mart in Sacramento. These True Christians were protesting the gigantic retailer’s poor treatment of its workers, such as low pay, meager benefits, and lousy working conditions. The protestors cited the wise words of the Lord Jesus Christ, who told us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and to take care of the poorest among us.

Ha! Just kidding! These protestors were upset that Wal-Mart doesn’t officially endorse Christmas in its holiday advertising:

About 50 protesters took part in Saturday's demonstration, organized by religious leaders. Dick Otterstad of the Church of the Divide donned a Santa Claus costume and greeted shoppers with the message: Don't forget about the meaning of Christmas.

A guy in a Santa suit telling people not to forget the true meaning of Christmas? Was this dufus born without a sense of irony, or was it stripped from him in Sunday School?

As many people have pointed out, there are numerous holidays celebrated during the November-December-January time span, including Thanksgiving, Hanukah, New Year’s Day, Tet, Kwanzaa, and Festivus. Wal-Mart didn’t get to be the world’s largest retailer by pandering to Christians - it got there by pandering to white trash.

What the hell is wrong with these cry-baby Christians anyway? I had lunch at Applebee’s the other day, and the entire fucking time I heard nothing but shitty Christmas carols. In December, you can’t go anywhere in this country – Wal-Mart especially - without being reminded that Christmas is on the way. Religion in general and Christianity in particular permeates almost every aspect of our culture, and yet these people are upset because there isn’t a manger scene on the Wal-Mart flyer in their Sunday paper. Perhaps they are afraid that if we aren't constantly bombarded with reminders that God is watching us, we might start to think for ourselves and realize what a scam religion is.

Narrow Minded Nimrod

2005-12-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while; I've been very busy avoiding Christmas and losing at online poker. But I still obsessively check my pathetic hit stats, and I found out that this blog is currently the top result for a Google search on "narrow minded nimrod". I take great pride in that.

The War on Christmas: Phase Two

2005-12-09T15:29:00.000-05:00

(The following memo was acquired by an undercover FOX News investigative journalist posing as an atheist.)

Fellow Heathens:

Here at ASSCRACK (Atheists, Secularists, and Satanists for the Complete Replacement of Advent and Christmas with Kwanzaa), Phase One of the War on Christmas is drawing to a close. I’d like to thank everyone – the liberal media, PC police, leftist professors, etc - who contributed the war effort. Our conspiracy to remove all references to Christmas from the public sphere has been a resounding success. Retailers are reluctant to even utter the word “Christmas”, for fear of offending their Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist customers. Christmas displays on public property are routinely torched by ACLU lawyers and activist judges. “Season’s Greetings” and “Happy Holidays” are now the prevalent phrases, and the holiday itself has been turned into an orgy of consumerism marked by tacky home-decoration pissing contests.

Now that our primary goals have been accomplished, it is time to begin Phase Two in earnest. Many components of this Phase have already begun, and it is my honor to report on our progress so far.

Santa Surprise
ASSCRACK agents have begun slipping Viagra to shopping mall Santas across the country. After the little children sitting on Kris Kringle’s lap feel his pharmacologically induced erection, they will tell their parents about the “funny lump” in Santa’s pants and get the jolly old guy arrested for indecency. We anticipate the arrest and conviction of all Santas by no later than December 23^rd. The ensuing nation-wide scandal will result in the permanent eradication of this loathsome icon.

Encouraging deforestation to cut off the source of Christmas trees
ASSCRACK operatives have been quietly buying up tree farms, lumber yards, and paper mills. Over the next year, we plan to eliminate all evergreen trees in North America, thus forcing Christians to use inferior plastic trees for their holiday celebrations. We also have plans to infiltrate artificial tree manufacturers, and secretly change the design and manufacturing of them to increase flammability and toxicity.

Christmas Carol Operant Conditioning
ASSCRACK sympathizers in nurseries have begun applying painful electrical shocks to infants in their care while playing Christmas music. Experiments have indicated that this treatment results in 74% less joyfulness during the holiday season, even after the subject reaches adulthood. As an added bonus, the corpses of the children who do not survive the procedure will be smuggled into outdoor Nativity scenes and swapped with the statue of the baby Jesus. Once Christians discover that they have been admiring dead babies in swaddling clothes, they’ll think twice before putting up another life-sized crèche.

Promoting Global Warming to eliminate “White Christmas”
ASSCRACK’s plan to accelerate global warming has met with stunning success over the past few years. Thanks in no small part to the Bush Administration’s rejection of the Kyoto Protocol and other environmental efforts, we anticipate that snowfall around Christmastime will be eliminated within 30 years. Without the snowmen, sleigh rides, and other nostalgic winter activities that are associated with Christmas, we anticipate a large reduction in the holiday’s popularity. In addition, the disappearance of the polar ice caps will leave no mythical home for Santa and his workshop.

Disrupting holiday travel plans
ASSCRACK has infiltrated air traffic control centers across the country to ensure maximal chaos during the coming weeks. Air travelers who manage to make it to their destination on time (without being gunned down) will find that their luggage is on the other side of the continent. Coupled with our manipulation of gasoline prices, we hope to make holiday travel so aggravating that people will give up on it within five years.

Spiked Egg Nog
Over the past year, ASSCRACK poultry farmers have been purposely infecting their flocks with avian flu, and supplying the tainted eggs to the nation’s egg nog manufacturers. The resulting outbreak among Christmas revelers should thin the ranks quite a bit. Plans to introduce bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE, aka mad cow disease) into traditional Christmas foods were scrapped after it was realized that Christians infected with BSE would act pretty much the same way they do now.

Continued spread of reason, education, and science
ASSCRACK will continue to spread the concept of “rational thought” across the world to undermine Christianity. Even though we know Jesus to be the One True Savior of Mankind, we nonetheless hate God and Freedom and America so much that we will continue to force our heathen beliefs of science and objective reality on everyone we can.

Thanks to all the dedicated, godless ASSCRACK agents who have been working tirelessly to end Peace on Earth. Have a happy Winter Solstice!

Fetishophilia

2005-12-08T15:24:00.000-05:00

Few aspects of human behavior fascinate me as much as the wide world of fetishes. It seems there is no object or activity which cannot be twisted into some sort of perverted sexual fixation. It used to be that people with these bizarre penchants would never act on them, let alone tell anyone about them. I would have thought these self-defeating proclivities would have been bred out of mankind a while ago, but today, thanks to the Internet, every weirdo out there can find a group of weirdoes with which to discuss his or her strangest desires. Some of the more perplexing of these include:

Coprophilia
Has anyone ever accused you of having a shit-eating grin? Well, for coprophages that would be a badge of honor. These are people who find feces to be sexually stimulating, and occasionally make a yummy snack of it. Anyone who takes the phrase “eat shit” seriously has some major issues. I can understand if mommy’s potty-training technique gave you some disturbingly exciting memories, but anyone who can flush a toilet should know better than to treat poop as a sex toy.

Furries
These are grown adults who get aroused by dressing up as anthropomorphic animals and crawl around sniffing each other's assholes. Some of them claim that there isn’t necessarily a sexual aspect to this, but they are fooling no one. People who get aroused while watching Pepé Le Pew cartoons are frightening, and should not be allowed to breed.

Emetophilia
Most people try to avoid vomiting. The smell, the burning sensation in the throat, and the yucky clean-up make the entire experience unpleasant. Then again, there are people in this wonderful world of ours who actually find “Roman showers” to be a huge turn-on. Given the prevalence of bulimia in our society, these people should have no problem getting dates. After all, you can always be sure they’ll treat you to a nice dinner before its shower time.

Crush fetishism
I dislike small furry animals as much as the next guy, but I don’t usually get a woody when I see them stepped on. And I certainly don’t get all hot and bothered at the thought of myself being crushed. But apparently, there are quite a few people out there who enjoy such fantasies. We should do these people a favor by locking them in the trunk of a car destined for a junk yard trash compactor.

Gerontophilia
This is the hobby of those creepy guys who hang out near nursing homes with obvious erections. I’ve been tricked into viewing grandma-porn on a few occasions, but I can’t imagine what path someone’s life would have to take to compel them to actively seek it out. Anything that requires a few ounces of Astroglide to penetrate simply isn’t worth the effort. I suppose the allure of a “gum job” might justify this obsession, but I would personally be worried about the risk of cracking some old hag’s hip, or getting her so worked up she suffers a stroke or heart attack. God invented Viagra so old people could fuck each other.

Those are just a few of the trendy sick fetishes that are out there. I’m still waiting for my own unpopular paraphilias to gain a large following:

Zipperphilia – sexual arousal from getting your dick caught in your zipper
Globophilia – sexual attraction to planetary bodies
Deiphilia – sexual attraction to god(s)
Teeveedropophilia – sexual arousal from having televisions dropped on you, or dropping them on others
Comaphilia – sexual attraction to people in persistent vegetative states (drool is a natural lubricant)
Bigpapaphilia – sexual attraction to Biggie Smalls
Petrophilia – sexual arousal from the smell of gasoline (Bush may have this)
Jheriphilia – sexual attraction to greasy, curly hair
Blogophilia – sexual arousal from reading or writing pointless blog entries
Velcrophilia – sexual attraction to hook-and-loop fasteners
Neccophilia – sexual attraction to wafer-shaped candies
Philatephilia – sexual arousal from licking stamps
Dorkophilia – sexual attraction to people who wear bowties with sincerity
Craftsmanophilia – sexual attraction to power tools
Ambidextrichronophilia – sexual arousal from wearing a wrist watch on both arms
Jackophilia – sexual arousal from watching news reports about Michael Jackson’s legal troubles
Pyrophilia – sexual attraction to fire (oh wait… that’s a real one)
Tacophilia – sexual attraction to Mexican food
Nikephilia – sexual arousal from putting your shoes on the wrong feet
Carpaltunnelphilia – sexual attraction to victims of repetitive stress injury
Catastrophilia – sexual arousal from the news of massive death and destruction due to natural disasters
Petalphilia – sexual attraction to flowers
Mayimbialikophilia – sexual attraction to child stars from awful early-90s sitcoms
Alarmophilia – sexual arousal from the obnoxious sounds made by alarm clocks, smoke alarms, etc
Philadelphiphilia – sexual attraction to large cities in Pennsylvania
Gopophilia – sexual attraction to the Republican Party, or members thereof
Harpaxophilia – sexual arousal from being robbed (damn, that’s a real one too)
Magmaphilia – sexual attraction to lava
Xmasaphilia – sexual attraction to Christmas trees, wreaths, or garland (not Judy - only fags love her)
Scrabblephilia – sexual arousal from using all 7 letters for the 50 point bonus
Escargophilia – sexual attraction to snails
Spiltsodaphilia – sexual attraction to the sticky substance on the floor of movie theaters
Pundiphilia – sexual arousal from watching people yell incoherently at each other on cable news shows
Agletiphilia – sexual attraction to the little plastic thingies on the end of shoelaces
Plushophilia – sexual attraction to stuffed animals (Holy shit, that’s another real one! What the hell is wrong with people?!?)

I Heart Buffalo

2005-12-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve lived in and around the city of Buffalo, New York, for most of my life. It’s not a particularly bad place to live (especially compared to my past hometown of Binghamton), but it does have a reputation that is less than spectacular for various reasons. So in the interest of being a cranky bitch, here’s some of the things that make life in Buffalo slightly more miserable than life elsewhere:

Snow
Most people know practically nothing about Buffalo, but almost everyone knows that we get a lot of fucking snow. Sure, there are other places in the world that get significantly more than us, but when it comes to heavily populated areas, Buffalo and its suburbs really take the cake. The problem is that Buffalo is located on the shore of Lake Erie, one of the largest freshwater lakes in the world. In the summer, the Lake provides Buffalonians with many opportunities for water sports such as swimming, jet skiing, boating, fishing, and catching weird diseases. Once winter sets in, however, the still-warm Lake becomes a massive snow producing machine, and Buffalo is directly in its path. Although the resulting snow is generally just a pain in the ass, it is nice to get the occasional day off of work due to life-threatening road conditions. Plus, I hear the skiing is great, although I personally prefer doing doughnuts in unplowed parking lots from the comfort of my heated car.

In 1977, Buffalo was battered with the famous “Blizzard of ‘77”. I have a personal reason to be thankful to the weather gods for sending the Blizzard to us; I was conceived during it because my parents were too lazy to shovel the 18 feet of snow in the driveway and decided to fuck instead.

Humidity
Another amusing side-effect of living next to a giant lake is that it can get really humid around here, particularly in late summer. In fact, Buffalo is the birth place of air conditioning, which is often considered screamingly funny by jerks who only know us for our miserable winters. The humidity also means that we have a large number of swimming pools, which is great for voyeuristic perverts like me.

Disappointing Sports Teams
They call Buffalo “a drinking town with a football problem”. Anyone even somewhat familiar with American football will remember the Buffalo Bills' 4-in-a-row losses at the Super Bowl, an unfortunate record which exemplifies what it’s like to be a Buffalo sports devotee. Football fans who watched yesterday’s embarrassing loss to Miami know all too well how the Bills are continuing to carry on this tradition.

No less disappointing are the Buffalo Sabres, who in 1999 lost the Stanley Cup finals due to a highly questionable call, and have continued to fail ever since. Despite the perennial loser status of Buffalo’s professional sports team, we continue to have some of the most hyperactively dedicated fans in the world.

Ugly inhabitants
I may just be biased, being ugly myself and having only ugly friends, but it seems to me that Buffalo has a higher-than-average percentage of unattractive citizens. My theory is that good-looking people wisely flee the city as soon as possible, leaving the hideous natives behind to interbreed. I could be wrong; it’s entirely possible that there are comparable amounts of unsightly people everywhere.

Brazenly Corrupt and Incompetent Politicians
Buffalo and surrounding areas have been plagued by horrible government for decades. I could devote several blog entries to this topic alone, but most people, including myself, would find them boring. For detailed and entertaining coverage of the ongoing meltdown of politics in Buffalo, read The Beast.

It’s not all bad out here, though. Here are some of the advantages of living in “The Queen City”:

Food
If you’ve never had Buffalo wings, you are missing out on one of the finer artery-clogging, taste-bud-nuking pleasures in life. Residents of Buffalo consume hot sauce in scandalous quantities, largely to distract us from the sub-zero temperatures, shitty sports teams, and ugly people. Other traditional Buffalo foods include beef on weck, fish fries, Mighty Taco, pizza, and Canadian beer (drinking Budweiser is punishable by death), all of which contribute to the jiggling layers of fat we need to survive our harsh winters.

Bars
Speaking of beer, Buffalo is awash in great places to drink. Whether you’re hanging out on Chippewa on a Saturday night hitting on underage girls, looking to slip a roofie to a drunken coed on the Elmwood Strip or Main Street, or just drinking your misery away every night in the local dank hole, Buffalo is the place to be for hardcore alcohol abuse. Plus, most bars are open until 4 AM, so you can keep drinking long after the DWI patrol has gone home for the night (driving drunk on ice-covered roads is a true test of skill). Due to creeping fascism in New York State, it’s no longer possible to smoke indoors at bars, but some of the better places have heated outdoor patios for their nicotine-addicted clientele.

Niagara Falls/Canada
Just a short drive away is Niagara Falls, honeymoon capital of the world and one of the seven natural wonders of the world. And just over the border is Niagara Falls, Canada, strip club capital of the world. I have been to titty bars in several different cities across the country, and I can say with confidence that none provide as much sheer depravity per dollar than those in Ontario. I won’t go in to details - this is a family blog – but let’s just say I have single-handedly put more than 5 talented strippers through college. At only $20 (Canadian!) for a lap dance, you’d be a fool not to go.

Native American’s Tax Exempt Status
The original settlers in the Western New York region were too lazy to completely eliminate the native population, and as a result there are numerous Indian reservations all around Buffalo. They are a great source of cheap, tax-free cigarettes and gasoline. Given the retail price of well over $5 a pack, I would have quit smoking years ago were it not for “Smoking Joe’s” providing me with cartons of my favorite brands for under $25 a piece. Plus, the natives are working on opening a casino right in Downtown Buffalo, thus completing their devious plans to slowly poison the white man with tobacco and comped drinks, and then take all his money.

Boo hoo

2005-12-02T17:21:00.000-05:00

There's yet another "miracle" going on right now, this time in Sacramento. A statute of the "virgin" Mary is crying, and it's not just regular tears, it's blooooooooood:

Steady numbers of Catholics have made their way to the Vietnamese Catholic Martyrs Church in Sacramento, California's capital, to view an outdoor statue that has clearly visible dark streaks running down from the eyes.
"I am a believer because throughout history the Virgin Mary cried," Van Li, who came to the United States from Vietnam in 1993, said as he visited on a rainy Thursday afternoon. "She cries for everybody's sin."
[. . . ]
"It usually has to do with a time of anxiety," she said. "A statue weeping blood, kind of obviously, she's not crying for joy."

"She cries for everybody's sin"? What a cop-out. Here's my guesses:

- she's crying because she's a 2000-year-old virgin, and everyone knows it
- she's crying because of the Liberal War on Christmas
- she's crying because "Joey" got pulled and may be canceled (that's why I'm crying)
- she's crying because the US has only managed to execute 1,000 people in the last 28 years, when so many heretics are clearly deserving of death
- she's not crying blood, she's got Rage
- this inanimate hunk of plaster (or whatever) is not actually crying, it's just some running paint
- someone looking to boost church attendance dumped some fake blood on it, because they know how pathetically gullible people are

Stupid for Jesus

2005-12-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

I’m really sick of dim-witted theists arguing that “atheism is a religion”. Just because your myopic worldview doesn’t make sense without “faith” doesn’t mean that everyone else is so mind-numbingly clueless. One particular example of this brand of annoying assholery was pointed out yesterday by Lya. In it, a theist argues that both atheism and evolution are religious beliefs. This is, of course, patently absurd. Here are some of the more idiotic sections of this article, along with my rebuttals:

“…adherence to atheism is indeed a form of faith since it is a firm belief with a strong conviction in something for which there is no proof…”
I would almost feel sorry for someone who came up with this line of reasoning, because it is clear evidence that person has a severe mental handicap. However, this asshole is a professor of ethics (!!), so hopefully he is capable of at least rudimentary reasoning, and is therefore apparently being grossly intellectually dishonest here. Atheism is, in fact, a strong conviction that proof is required to support belief. If someone could actually prove to me that God existed or that the Earth was 6000 years old, I would pay attention. In fact, I have examined many such claims, and they are all baseless, circular, and just plain silly.

“The US courts have, in fact, held that atheism is a religion.”
They’ve also ruled that corporations are people, but when’s the last time you had one over for dinner? This ruling was little more than a legal fiction designed to guarantee that the godless aren’t denied rights available to Zeus-worshippers. Besides, just because a court ruled that way doesn’t make it right. There are plenty of other court rulings that theists don’t agree with.

“Proponents of secular and naturalistic Darwinian evolution invariably claim that proponents of intelligent design have wrongly left the realm of science and have entered the domain of religion because intelligent design implies the existence of a designer, and that designer is understood to be God.”
Yup, that’s exactly what we claim. Science is the search for explanations; if you blindly accept the notion of an all-powerful being, the scientific method becomes moot. Why bother trying to figure out how to make cold fusion work, when you can just put a bunch of stuff in a test tube and pray really hard? If that doesn’t work, does that mean cold fusion is impossible, or that God doesn’t want you to have it?

The main failing of ID as a science is that it doesn’t explain anything. Any idiot can look at a platypus and say, “Somebody made that”. Science is interested in how things happen, not just that they do. Evolution is the best explanation we have for where a platypus came from, because it’s based on observable facts and logical reasoning. Saying “God did it” is not only childishly simplistic, it’s utterly without usefulness.

“But not all proponents of intelligent design are theists.”
Name one. Supporting Intelligent Design makes you by definition a theist, since you are invoking a supernatural power to explain physical phenomenon.

“Moreover, the intelligent design position is indeed a scientific one in that it offers evidence that the received Darwinist account of evolution is incomplete, implausible, and insufficient to explain or account for all the perceived complexity of observed biological organisms.”
There is so much bullshit is this one sentence, I need to refute it in list form:

Simply offering evidence doesn’t make your position a scientific theory. Theories explain the evidence and make predictions about future observations; ID does neither.

Even if IDists actually did have compelling evidence that evolution was wrong (and they don’t), it wouldn’t make ID true by default.

Nobody claims evolutionary theory is “complete”, just like nobody claims relativity, quantum mechanics, plate tectonics, or any other scientific theories are “complete”. If they were, we wouldn’t need biologists, physicists, or geologists any more.

Anyone who claims evolution is “implausible” or “insufficient” to explain the diversity of life is simply ignorant. I often wonder how many of the IDiots have actually read anything about evolution (aside from creationist texts) before babbling about how wrong it is. I suspect these people are willfully ignorant of the actual science, because it threatens their “perfect” view of the world.

“What few proponents of Darwinian evolution acknowledge is that their position, given a fair definition of religion, is also a religious one in that it holds that a genuinely scientific account of the origin of biological complexity must be secular and naturalistic, but this secular naturalism is itself a form of religion.”
Again, this nimrod seems to be a bit confused. At least he is correct that few proponents of evolution “acknowledge” that their position is a religious one. The reason, of course, is that it is not even remotely religious. “Secular naturalism” is in no way a form of religion, and it takes a truly narrow-minded dipshit to claim that it is. By the way, for those without a dictionary, "secular" actually means "not religious", so Herr Professor is actually saying "this non-regilous naturalism is itself a form of religion". (Thanks urwrong)

I could continue quoting various other examples of idiocy in this essay, but I think the point is made. The author is clearly so brain-washed by his assumption of the existence of the supernatural, he can’t even wrap his mind around the possibility that he’s wrong. This is evident in every attempt at an argument made in this article.

Good God, I hate theists.

Christmas Gift Guide

2005-12-01T14:17:00.000-05:00

The festive Christian holiday of obligatory gift exchange is rapidly approaching. As an atheist, I completely scorn the notions of peace on Earth and good-will toward Men. But, since I’ll never hear the end of it if I actually boycott the holiday, I continue to celebrate Jesus’ birthday with my family. The big problem is finding worthwhile gifts for the God-fearing friends and relatives that I am legally obligated to give presents to. After hours of researching online when I should have been working, I present to you my Christmas Gift Guide.

Nothing says “The True Meaning of Christmas” like Santa Claus kneeling at the feet of the Baby Jesus. I’m sure that was in the Bible somewhere. It’s a perfect match for the equally myth-mixing “Stocking for Jesus”.

If you’ve ever listened to real Gregorian chants, you know that they are nothing like Enigma’s Return to Innocence; they’re all bland, slow, repetitive, and in Latin. Pop this little gem in the CD player at your next Christmas party to instantly dampen everyone’s spirits. If anybody complains, accuse them of hating the Baby Jesus.

This “stocking stuffer” is the perfect gift for grandma. She’ll have no idea what it really is, and with any luck you can get her to hang it on the wall over her bed.

How Would Jesus Smell? Given his day job as a carpenter, and the lack of indoor plumbing, regular bathing, and deodorant 2000 years ago, I would suspect He’d smell pretty bad. Regardless, Christians apparently love the smell of “His Essence”, and everybody likes a candle.

Imagine the look on mom and dad’s faces when you present them with a beautifully Photoshopped picture of their heads on Adam and Eve frolicking naked in the forest. Just smile creepily at them and you’re guaranteed never to have to go to Christmas dinner again.

Joe Pesci’s got nothing on this heavenly bad-ass. This is actually supposed to be some sort of inspirational “Sports Angel Pin” (huh?), but it’s also great for reminding people not to fuck with the original gangsta, God. Also on this page: various pictures and statues of Jesus in suggestive poses with small children.

Yes, that is an angel riding a snowmobile. You’d think the wings would preclude the need for the internal combustion engine, but maybe they get brittle in the cold. No doubt this angel is heading up to the North Pole to help out with Santa’s Christmas crunch time.

It’s well known that the “Where’s Waldo?” series of books is really a tool created by Satanists to lure children away from the Lord. Coming to the rescue is the book “Can You Find Jesus? Introducing Your Child to the Gospel”. Indoctrinate your children the fun way!

Gay or Country Singer?

2005-11-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

Not all of us are blessed with gaydar, which can lead to some highly uncomfortable misunderstandings. In an effort to educate the public at large, here’s a quick little quiz to see just how good you are at telling the difference between a gay person and a country singer. Answers are posted in the comments.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

Beatlemania!

2005-11-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking happy! Just in time for Christmas, someone has published a new biography of the greatest band of all time, The Beatles. I’m sure this volume has many interesting facts and anecdotes that haven’t been revealed in the previous 1,151 books, 1,300 CDs, or 89 DVDs that have come before it and are still available for purchase.

For those who were born in a cave and have been living in that cave ever since, The Beatles were a rock group from the 1960s that no other four human beings have been able to surpass musically in the 35 years since they disbanded. I’m not even sure why anyone even tries to write music anymore, since The Beatles’ songs are plainly the greatest ever composed by mere mortals. They were bigger than Jesus, after all, and Jesus was pretty fucking big.

Each one of them, even Ringo, was clearly descended from deities, and I thank Zeus every single day that he brought them in to this world. Next to my Yoko Ono dart board, I have a giant poster of the “Abbey Road” cover that makes me happy whenever I am down.

Here are some of my favorite bits of little-known trivia about the four greatest human beings ever designed:

Contrary to popular belief, The Beatles were not really British; they all went to high school together in Dayton, Ohio, and perfected their fake English accents after a week of watching James Bond movies and listening to the BBC World Service.
The stress of fame and excessive drug use eventually resulted in John Lennon becoming anorexic. The song "I Am the Walrus" is clear evidence of his distorted self body image. He eventually died from organ failure due to his eating disorder, and his meticulously preserved body can be viewed in Moscow (I have already visited it four times myself).
Paul McCartney was a fanatical racist. The song “Yellow Submarine” is a reference to the stereotypically diminutive size of Asian male genitalia. His band Wings is still a favorite of the White Power movement, particularly the song “Live and Let Die”.
George Harrison lost a testicle in a cricket accident shortly before the formation of the band. He has never disclosed whether it was the right or left one.
Ringo Starr’s mother created the popular office product “Wite-Out”. Using her vast wealth from the invention, she bribed the other three Beatles into allowing her son to join the band, despite having no discernable musical talent.
The song “Come Together” details The Beatles’ tradition of having a hot, sweaty orgy after each songwriting session. “Flattop” was the band’s nickname for manager Brian Epstein, allegedly because of the bizarre shape of his penis due to a botched circumcision.

Without The Beatles, my life would be wholly without meaning. I go to sleep every night tucked in to my Fab Four bed sheet set, and dream of my own personal “British Invasion”.

Vatican to Homos: You’re Weird

2005-11-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

The Vatican released a paper today about homosexuality. I let this bit of rubbish speak for itself, aside from the following observations:

Calling homosexuality "an incomplete and immature part of human sexuality" sounds just a bit odd coming from a bunch of guys who are theoretically celibate. If anyone has an incomplete and immature sexuality, it’s a 65-year-old virgin in a funny hat and flowing silk robes, not a gay person in a loving relationship.
The Vatican accusing something of "destabilizing people and society" is just too hilariously ironic. Anyone remember the Crusades? The Inquisition? The AIDS epidemic?
Barring devout but gay-inclined Catholics from becoming priests is going to put a serious dent in the enrollment at seminaries. And, by the way…. “seminaries”? *girlish giggle*

(The Raving Atheist skewered the Vatican on this topic far better than I ever could.)

Idiotic Religious Beliefs, Part 2: The Holy Prepuce

2005-11-29T00:44:00.000-05:00

If you are interested in astronomy, you may be surprised at what 17th century theologian Leo Allatius speculated the rings of Saturn were made of. Rocks? Angels? Cheese?

Nope. Good old Leo, always the realist, thought that the rings of Saturn were, in fact….

Oh, hell. I can’t even type it, it’s so fucking ridiculous. You can’t make this shit up, folks. Here’s a completely unrelated picture of a litter of puppies with their adopted sibling, Finnegan the squirrel:

Ok, here we go.

Leo Allatius, a respected Catholic scholar, thought the rings of Saturn were made of Jesus’ dick.

Ok, not the entirety of His Holy Schlong. Leo thought that maybe Jesus’ prepuce (a fancy word for foreskin, used to discuss His wang in polite company) ascended to Heaven along with the rest of the Messiah. Why did Leo come up with this theory? Well, perhaps he was ineptly trying to stop his fellow Catholics from the embarrassing pursuit of a religious relic.

You see, Christians realized that Jesus, being born to a good Jewish family, would have been circumcised. Thirty-three years later, He conveniently rose up to Heaven, leaving behind no grave or remains of any kind for us to worship. So, His faithful followers embarked on a mission to find the foreskin of the Lord.

Over time, something like a dozen churches across Europe were said to possess a piece of the Lord’s Blessed Beefstick. Claiming to have such a relic no doubt brought in the tithes like crazy; I myself would gladly spend a few bucks for a peek at the tip of the Sacred Skin Flute.

Sadly, the last known Holy Foreskin was stolen in 1983 (is there a black market for this kind of thing?). Long before that, the Vatican, in a rare moment of rationality, declared that the pursuit and display of such relics encouraged “'irreverent curiosity” (no shit?) and began to put a damper on the practice. So unless Pope Benny XVI turns out to be the “party pope” we’ve all been waiting for (and those Pradas he’s been sporting might be a good sign), it looks like the days of leering at skin from the Consecrated Crankshaft are long gone.

Evidence of Design

2005-11-28T15:49:00.000-05:00

Now that the theory of evolution has been disproven, we can finally begin to examine Intelligent Design. By shedding the rules of logic and scientific inquiry, we can gain insight into the All-Mighty Designer (who may or may not be God) by looking at nature and making shit up.

After minutes of dedicated research, I’ve compiled this short list of some of the Designer’s greatest hits:

The Kiss of Death
The Designer clearly never intended young people to touch each other before marriage. There’s one 15-year-old girl in Canada who won’t need reminding of this fact anymore – she kissed her boyfriend after he ate some peanut butter, had an allergic reaction, and went into anaphylactic shock. Shortly thereafter, despite the best efforts of her godless doctors, she died and went to Hell. If only she had followed God’s law and simply shaken hands with her boyfriend, she’d still be here today. Would Darwinism have saved this girl’s life? Nope. Only an understanding of the intentions of the Designer could have rescued this poor girl’s soul.

Penile Fracture
When two people (one male, one female) love each other very much and get married by a qualified priest, they are granted permission to engage in sexual intercourse (for the sole purpose of making babies). If they get too vigorous during this intimate time, however, the Designer made it possible that the man could be punished by suffering from a no doubt excruciatingly painful penile fracture. So keep it in your pants, gentlemen, and if you must use it, make it quick and gentle.

Human Papilloma Virus
Just in case you didn’t get the message, the Designer doesn’t want you fucking around before marriage. So he designed the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) just in case you girls get any sick ideas. Even if you use a condom, or limit your depravity to just giving head, you can still catch this little critter, which then has a good chance of punishing your wanton hedonism by giving you cancer. (You can also catch HPV from a toilet seat, so perhaps you ladies should be careful about those as well.) Unbelievably, some atheist heathen perverts are trying to spit in the Designer’s face by pushing a vaccine for HPV on our young girls in an effort to turn them all into dirty whores.

Malaria and Sickle-Cell Anemia
We’ve long suspected that the darker your skin, the less God likes you. Now that we can infer His Divine Will from Intelligent Design, it seems pretty clear that this is the case. Take the example of malaria. It kills millions of non-white people across the globe every year. However, some chosen individuals have been designed with a natural immunity to this deadly disease. Cool, huh? Well, not so fast. If two such people get married and have children, there’s a decent chance that their kids will have sickle-celled anemia, which will almost certainly kill them before their thirtieth birthday. You’re damned if you and damned if you don’t, darkies. It’s probably best to just accept God’s plan, give up breeding, and let the white people take over.

Marijuana, Opium, Shrooms, and Other Natural Highs
The Designer created a wide variety of mouth-watering plants and animals for his people to eat. In his infinite wisdom, he also created many plants with hallucinogenic properties to allow us to get so high that we think we are talking with him. Since we’ve abandoned the voodoo of evolution, we now know that the Designer put these magical plants there for us to use, so it’s vitally important that we repeal the drug laws keeping us from getting closer to him. More to the point, being high as a kite is the only thing that makes Intelligent Design sound plausible to thinking people.

Rampant Consumerism

2005-11-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

"No X-Box for you, grandma! How about a new hip?"

Ahh, Black Friday. That’s the name given the orgy of shopping that starts in the wee morning hours of the Friday after Thanksgiving. Millions of consumers line up outside their favorite stores in a calm and orderly fashion in order to share in the wonderful bounty of discount products we are all so thankful for. Just kidding! You can always count on dozens of entertaining news stories about the vicious ways American shoppers treat each other just a scant day after giving thanks to the Creator for the wonderful country He has granted us.

For example, a 73-year-old woman had this to say about an incident that occurred yesterday morning:

"I was trying to get out of the way, but they knocked me down"[…]"I hit my head on the floor, and people stepped on me," said the woman, who was resting on a box of merchandise inside the store following the 7:30 a.m. incident. "I don't understand why people do these things."

What’s not to understand? If there’s a sea of people between me and the last $29 portable DVD player, I’m going to take the path of least resistance to get to it. And guess what – knocking down and stepping on a 73-year-old woman is the path of least resistance. It’s survival of the fittest, dear Josephine, and if you are frail and weak, you need to plan ahead. Take a cue from the off-duty police officer who sprayed Texas Wal-Mart patrons with pepper spray.

(Image and links ripped off from The Drudge Report, which is always a good source of amusing stories of human folly, as well as fixations on gay cowboys.)

A Few of the Myriad Reasons Why I Despise Humanity

2005-11-24T18:56:00.000-05:00

If you are a regular reader of my posts, you may think that I am a bitter, hateful, and intolerant person. This is a very perceptive assessment. But before you judge me, let me elaborate on some of the reasons why I wish that you, along with everyone else, were dead:

Democracy
The Ancient Greeks may have been able to make it work for a while, but they were wise enough to limit the right to vote to male citizens. Leave it to America to ruin the party by inventing women’s suffrage. Modern voters are apathetic, uninformed, easily manipulated dipshits who base their selections on TV commercials and meaningless issues. They deserve what they get.

Those stupid magnetic ribbons you slap on your car
Do you “Support Our Troops”? Why not stick a ribbon on your SUV that looks exactly like a rotated Jesus fish! It takes virtually no effort, and everyone behind you in traffic can instantly know what a mindless sheep you are. Ever notice that the density of these eyesores is inversely related to the fuel economy of the vehicle they are plastered on? That’s not a coincidence.

Religion
It may come as a shock to readers who have visited this blog before, but I am no great fan of religion. The opiate of the asses just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. In fact, it depresses me that grown adults still swallow this bullshit. The looming threat of a “United States of Jesus” only serves to heighten my desire for a catastrophic meteor strike.

The Internet
It seems like any nimrod with a computer and opposable thumbs can get a blog these days and start flinging their worthless opinions at the rest of us. Most of them are offensively uninformed, but that doesn’t stop them from expressing themselves every chance they get.

Christmas Music
It now starts just after Halloween, and magically disappears on December 26th. And I loathe every minute of it. Whether it’s “We Three Kings” or “Jingle Bell Rock”, all of it is fucking terrible, and yet I can’t walk into a store without having this shit pounded into my auditory canals by substandard speakers. The only remotely good Christmas songs are Weird Al’s “Christmas at Ground Zero” and “The Night Santa Went Crazy”, yet you never hear them while shopping for presents. It’s always endless remakes of the same dozen or so shitty carols, and it needs to stop.

Television
I currently pay about $100 a month for my cable television. That is three times what the average laborer in East Timor makes in the same time span. You’d think that I would be getting something valuable for my money. But I challenge anyone to turn on their television at any time and find more than two programs on that aren’t an affront to thousands of years of human evolution. With exceedingly rare exceptions, everything on television is mind-rotting rubbish serving only to accelerate the downfall of mankind.

Children
You fuckers keep breeding, and its really starting to piss me off. For social reasons I have to pretend to give a damn that your worthless offspring finally managed to crap on its own, but quite frankly I could not care less. In fact, I hate you for not aborting the little shit, or, for that matter, not getting your reproductive organs surgically removed years ago. I still abhor my mother for bringing me into this world, and I can’t even imagine the sort of demented mindset it would take to want to bring another human being into this septic tank we call “life”.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

2005-11-23T18:35:00.000-05:00

Thursday is the US holiday where we all get together with our families to thank God for wiping out the natives with smallpox and free-market economics. We also get to reaffirm our superiority to all of the Intelligent Designer’s other creatures by eating one particularly ugly one, the delicious turkey. As if that wasn’t good enough, we get the following day off from work so we can all go spend sickening amounts of money at Walmart to celebrate the upcoming pagan holiday.

I am steeling myself for a day spent with the still-religious side of my family. The tryptophan- and wine-induced drowsiness should be a big help this year.

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

2005-11-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about the end of the world a lot lately. Not the “Jesus is coming, look busy” type of apocalypse, but rather plausible natural or man-made events would wipe civilization off the face of the Earth once and for all. It’s disappointing how unlikely it turns out that this actually is. A lot of the scary sounding “worst case scenarios” you hear about are not really disastrous to the long-term health of humanity after all:

Nuclear Terrorism
Yawn. So, there’s a slight chance some religious nut-job somewhere can get a nuclear weapon from some corrupt former Soviet state. Boo hoo. A single nuke won’t do much more than destroy a single city, killing, at best, 7 or 8 million people. Sure, that’s a lot of body bags, but it won’t be the end of the world by a long shot.

Megatsunami
Some science-types think a massive earthquake or landslide at just the right point in the Pacific Ocean would trigger a tsunami so enormous it would make last year’s post-Christmas disaster look like a day at the beach (hehe). But even then, we’d only lose a few islands and some coastal cities.

Flu Pandemic
We will, undoubtedly, experience another flu pandemic sometime soon. And it will probably wipe out several million people. But, realistically, most of those people will be old farts in nursing homes (thus neatly solving the Social Security crisis) and easily replaceable children. After a few years of fucking, we probably won’t even notice the difference - aside from a vague nostalgia for Thanksgiving dinner at grandma’s house.

Meteor Strike
We know that every once in a while, God throws rocks at us that strike the Earth and cause varying degrees of catastrophic damage (like the one that killed the dinosaurs over 5000 years ago). But from what we know about potential threats, it’s very unlikely that we’ll be a hit by a rock big enough to actually end all human life. Sure, a small one might throw up a dust cloud that blocks out the sun for a decade or so, but we can live off of canned goods for a while before we have to resort to cannibalism. It would take a meteor the size of city block to ensure humanity’s utter annihilation, and those are in woefully short supply.

Climate Change
Cry-baby environmentalist are always going on and on about this one. My view of this is that we know - from ice core samples and tree rings and all that other crap - that the Earth goes through cycles of heating and cooling. Ice ages come along every 40,000 years or so. Who cares if our addiction to fossil fuels is speeding up the process? It’s inevitable anyway, so we might as well figure out how to deal with it instead of whining about it. Believe me, we’ll survive – look at all those people who have been living in Alaska for centuries. The average American has more than enough insulation to tough it out when global temperatures plummet. Besides, glaciers are the ultimate form of urban renewal.

That’s just a small taste of what won’t kill us off anytime soon. But don’t give up hope, gentle reader; there are plenty of far more horrid fates that could befall us:

Sun going nova/burning out
Scientists think our sun has perhaps 10 million years remaining, but what if those eggheads are wrong? If the sun exploded, we obviously wouldn’t be around long enough to notice. If it somehow dimmed or contracted, we here on Spaceship Earth would really have a rough time. All the plants would die pretty quickly, which would mean the end of the oxygen cycle and the starvation of vegetarians everywhere. As humanity slowly suffocates, expect widespread rioting and cannibalism.

Biotechnology disaster/Bioterrorism
As I mentioned before, natural pandemics are usually pretty disappointing in terms of body counts. They generally only pick off the already weak, like the very old or very young. But now that mankind is toying around with the code for life, it’s finally possible for someone, either maliciously or by accident, to create a virulent disease that will spread quickly and kill 100% of those it infects. As an added bonus, it will probably have some revoltingly disfiguring side effects, like in 28 Days Later.

Alien Invasion
If there is intelligent life out there, it’s gotta be smarter than us. So despite the happy endings in most Hollywood alien invasion movies, chances are they’d kick our asses post haste. I’m hoping for Killer Klowns from Outer Space-style aliens, because that big-top flying saucer was the shiznit.

Physics Experiment Gone Awry
Back when the US was developing the first nuclear weapon, some of the scientists working on the project thought there was a possibility that an atomic blast could ignite the atmosphere and burn it completely off. Unfortunately, they were wrong. However, as physicists continue to come up with bigger and better experiments, there continue to be concerns that some other disaster (such as inadvertently creating a black hole) could decimate the planet, or perhaps the entire universe. This is why it is vitally important that we continue funding work in theoretical physics.

Technological singularity
This is nerd-speak for the development of an artificial intelligence so advanced it immediately begins to improve itself at an exponential rate. Before we can pull the plug, it becomes a million times smarter than us, and takes over the world. Some people are striving to make sure any such AI is “friendly”, so that it won’t turn us into inefficient batteries in its gigantic infrastructure. I think this is a mistake; requiring AI to be friendly would limit its possibilities far too much. After all, how many truly “friendly” people do you know who aren’t miserable failures?

Gamma ray burst/Nearby supernova
This is perhaps my favorite of the pack. We’ll never see it coming – just one day, some nearby star will supernova, and we’ll get pelted with massive doses of radiation. Astronomers don’t know enough about the phenomenon to estimate the damage, but unlike those pansies, I’m not afraid to speculate. Painful radiation burns, instant sterilization of the entire populace, hideously mutated children, and poisoned food supplies. And that’s just the first few days. No doubt this will be followed by immense social upheaval as it dawns on everyone just how totally screwed we all are. Unfortunately, the odds of something like this actually occurring are pretty slim.

The Glorious Return of the Lord Jesus Christ
If the Christians turn out to be right, Jesus should be showing up any day now. When He finally does, He’ll whisk all His blessed children up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us heathens and sinners down here to fend for ourselves. The result? Murder rates in the US alone will skyrocket to over ten thousand a year. The weak and poor will be systematically oppressed by the rich and powerful. Huge corporations will buy and sell corrupt politicians. Powerful nations will invade weak ones for their natural resources on false pretenses. Third-world countries will erupt into genocidal civil wars, and nobody will stop them. Immense hurricanes will wipe out entire cities. It will be a complete nightmare.

The Blogger Post Editor is a Piece of Shit

2005-11-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

I usually draft my posts in Microsoft Word, because I like the way it points out blatantly stupid spelling and grammar errors as soon as I make them. For example, I originally misspelled “blatantly” the first time I typed that sentence, and Word automatically marked it with a little red squiggly as soon as I finished. It’s nice to have your idiotic mistakes pointed out to you immediately. I also like using Word’s built-in thesaurus; it allows me to fake having a larger vocabulary than I actually do.

Another reason I use Word is that I automatically save copies of my posts on my own machine. I have a bad feeling that I’ll get drunk some day and accidentally delete my entire blog. Since it would be a tragedy to lose all my insightful wisdom to one drunken mistake, maintaining an archive just seems like a smart thing to do.

The problem with this method is that copying my posts into Blogger’s post editor usually screws up the formatting. I invariably have to reformat all the line breaks, for example. Indented text is generally fucked up, too. The post editor window is so damn small that it’s hard to navigate around a long document, and it also has the annoying habit of skipping to the end of the text when you use the arrow keys to move around. So if you notice any embarrassing errors in any of my posts, it’s all Blogger’s fault.

"Yo Butt Ain't Made For That!"

2005-11-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

From Something Awful comes this sermon every sodomite should watch. Praise the Lord!

Vote Republican or go to Hell

2005-11-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite NPR shows, On The Media, recently did a segment called “Free Preach Rights”. It seems that the oppressed Christian majority in this country is starting to whine about its tax-exempt status preventing it from explicitly telling worshippers who they should vote for. They even have a bill in the works, the Houses of Worship Free Speech Restoration Act, to repeal this limitation. This bill will almost certainly be passed.

Imagine the possibilities. No longer will the Catholic Church have to hint that politicians who support abortion are not good Catholics. If this Bill passes, Pope Benedict XVI (the son of the previous Pope, John Paul “Deuce”) can go on the TV and tell everyone “God told me you shouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton” or whichever other Democratic sacrificial lamb ends up running in 2008. The few remaining semi-rational churchgoers of this nation will be scared shitless by the clergy’s threats of eternal damnation if they even think about not voting for conservatives.

The Republican Party controls all three branches of the federal government and most state governments today largely because they have pandered to the religious. Now that the religious have them under their thumbs, they are going to fight tooth and nail not only to keep their power, but to increase it. So, fellow heathens, better crack open that bible and start studying, because before you know it we’ll be next on the chopping block if we don’t play ball.

Dick Cheney Frightens Me

2005-11-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

Why do pictures of Dick Cheney always make it look like he's about to lunge at the nearest baby and bite off its limbs? Is it just another example of the liberal media demonizing the right, or is this guy really as frightening as his rhetoric and track record indicate?

Careful, Dick - don't get that blood pressure
up or your pacemaker might explode.

Cheney’s stare can reach into a man’s soul
and extract from it every shred of humanity.

Cheney pounces on an unsuspecting
toddler during a press conference.

The Blood of the Innocent is
finger lickin' good!

With this appalling ghoul as her male role model, it is little wonder that Cheney’s daughter chose to become a lesbian.

Idiotic Religious Beliefs, Part 1: Transubstantiation

2005-11-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

In my ongoing effort to demean people of faith, I’m inaugurating what will hopefully become a regular feature here: “Idiotic Religious Beliefs” (Shout out to my dawg ~I AM~, the Evangelical Atheist, whose excellent “God is a Dick” series was the inspiration for this). I’m not going to tackle the wider idiotic beliefs – like the existence of gods or souls – but instead focus on some of the finer points that often get lost in the noise. Although I will emphasize Christianity, this is only because that is the particular fairy tale with which I am most familiar. Please don’t think I’m some sort of bigot; I abhor all religions equally.

Today’s topic is the belief of Transubstantiation. The Wikipedia article has a detailed description of what exactly this is, but the basic idea is this: during Communion, the bread and wine are literally turned into the body and blood of Christ. Conveniently, the bread and wine still look like bread and wine, but trust them, its 100% Grade A Jesus. This belief is common in Catholicism and many of its offshoots.

Now, until I heard of this, I had never really connected Christianity with cannibalism. I thought Jesus was just being metaphorical when he came up the whole “Eat of my body” shtick. But it turns out that he was dead serious, and every time these people walk into church, they believe they are in fact snacking on the flesh of their savior.

It’s unclear to me which body part of Jesus you get when you have communion. Perhaps there’s a hierarchy – the good Christians get the tasty bits, like the tenderloin, while the evil satanic atheists like me would get anus.

This belief also seems very unfair to the vegetarian faithful.

What surprises me most about this concept is that no faithful Christians with access to a cloning lab have tried to use this little loophole to resurrect the Lord: go to church, take communion, then quickly sneak off to the bathroom and stick your finger down your throat. Collect the vomited-up remains of Jesus and bring them to your cloning lab. Extract the DNA from the magically transubstantiated bread and wine, and use it to clone the son of God.

Mama, I’m Going Home

2005-11-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

I was in the store the other day, shopping for a birthday card for someone I don’t particularly care for but am socially obligated to pretend to like. I briefly skipped over to the “Sympathy” section, on the theory that I might find a sappy card expressing my condolences for the loss of my acquaintance’s youth (hilarious, I know). Smack dab in the middle of the generic “grandpa is in a better place now” cards was something about a loved one’s “Homegoing”.

This was a new one on me, so I picked it up to take a look. Apparently, “Homegoing” is the hot new Christian euphemism for the age-old (and old-age) tradition of kicking the bucket. Google currently lists over a thousand hits for “homegoing celebration”, so you know that this trend is taking off amongst the faithful. If only I could figure out some way to cash in it on it…

Since I know I don’t have a reservation waiting for me at the Pearly Gates Bed & Breakfast, I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of my own death. You’d think this would be enough to stop me from smoking, drinking, doing needle drugs, and eating red meat, but I am a remarkably short-sighted man (which is why I wear glasses). Nevertheless, I sure as hell don’t want any “celebration” when I snuff it; I want my family and friends to cry their eyes out, even if it’s only because they know they probably don’t have much time left either.

The universal human fear of the dirt nap must be one of the most powerful concepts keeping religion alive in the modern era. We are the only species cursed with the awareness of the certainty that we will eventually die, and the religion meme exploits that fear for all it’s worth. People blindly accept almost overwhelming absurdities in the hope that maybe there really is somewhere to go after this life - some reward waiting for them (those 72 virgins can be mighty persuasive) if only they follow the silly rules that the guys in the funny hats say are so important.

Masking death in some silly euphemism like “homegoing” only reinforces the control religion exerts on these people. That’s probably why it’s so popular.

Star Light, Star Bright, No Press Conference Tonight

2005-11-21T16:19:00.000-05:00

Those missing the good old days of Ronald Reagan's astrology-based governance may wish to move to Thailand, where the Prime Minister is not afraid to recognize the power of the planet Mercury to affect his administration:

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra has said he will not answer reporters' questions until next year because the alignment of the planets is not in his favor.

The Bush Administration would do well to take this notion to heart. Everyone is getting sick of the “we will not comment on an on-going investigation” line at White House press conferences. With Christmas coming up, they can try something like “we will not distract from the celebration of the birth of Christ by answering your meddlesome questions.” That’ll show the liberal media who's boss.

Shrimply Irresistible

2005-11-21T13:46:00.000-05:00

I just got back from gorging myself on shrimp, and once again I failed to crack the 100 shrimp mark. In fact, I could only manage 78 of the little buggers, not even enough to crack my own personal record of 83. On the plus side, one of my tablemates shattered expectations by consuming an astonishing 126 shrimp! Since each one is about 1 inch long, if laid end to end this would have totaled ten and a half feet of crustacean goodness.

Oddly, God has yet to smite us for violating his sacred laws. And it's not even His day off.

Teach the Controversy

2005-11-20T18:37:00.000-05:00

Many proponents of “Intelligent Design” say that we should “teach the controversy” about evolution. This sentiment has been echoed by no less an intellectual giant than the leader of the free world, George W. Bush. But as with so many other great ideas, I’m afraid we just aren’t pushing this concept as far as we can. So I’d like to propose a few other spheres of human endeavor where “teaching the controversy” may be a good idea:

Sunday School
Believe it or not, there are some people in this world who think that maybe Jesus Christ isn’t watching everything we do at every moment. Although these heathens clearly just hate God and America and are willfully doing the work of the Great Deceiver, there is a controversy. I propose we start teaching Sunday School students about the remote possibility that maybe there isn’t an invisible man in the sky who will kill you if you don't impregnate your dead brother's wife.

Pedophilia
I mostly agree with the conventional wisdom that pedophilia is a bad thing (I say “mostly” because, let’s face it, sometimes the kid is just begging for it). But there are those, aside from Catholic priests, who think that love between a man and a boy is something to celebrate, not punish. So I urge everyone interested in teaching the controversy to sign up with NAMBLA and see what the fuss is all about.

Holocaust Revisionism
History classes are teaching our precious children that the brave Nazi party systematically killed millions of Jews in the second world war (also known as “The Other War To End All Wars”). As anyone willing to do the research knows, the Nazis were simply trying to help the Jews realize the error of their Christ-killing ways. The fact that millions died in Nazi “concentration camps” (so named because of the intense bible study sessions) is due to the inferior nature of the Jewish race when faced with a robust German diet. How much longer will we tolerate the dominant theory of history taught by nancy-boy historians in our own public schools?

Christian Science
The medical field of today is dominated by materialistic, dogmatic scientists who only believe in unproven claptrap like “double-blind experiments” and “the germ theory of disease”. They constantly push bizarre pill-based cures for every ailment under the sun, with nary a thought for the healing power of Jesus. We need to teach our children about the wisdom of Mary Baker Eddy before the medical establishment can get their latex-clad hands on them.

Geology
Today’s ivory-tower scientists have been quietly pushing a ridiculous theory of "plate tectonics" on our schoolchildren for decades. This so-called theory rests on the laughable idea that the Earth has existed for billions of years, and that earthquakes are caused by gigantic plates rubbing against each other (yet another example of the sick sexual inneudo being fed to our innocent children). As anyone familiar with the Bible can tell you, the Earth was created about 6000 years ago, and earthquakes are simply the wrath of God laying waste to the sinful (even though He loves you and wants you to be with Him in Heaven). Yet, there is not a single textbook available to teach our children the controversy about this simple truth.

Taking Care of the Poor

2005-11-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

There are plenty of reasons to doubt the competence of the current government here in the good ol’ US of A. For instance, they don’t even have enough common sense to assassinate their political enemies. Add to that the rampant cronyism, skyrocketing deficit, and continued inexplicable employment of Donald Rumsfeld, and your faith in the capability of our current leadership to improve things diminishes rapidly.

So when W. promised to work to eliminate poverty in the wake of hurricane Katrina, I certainly had my doubts. After all, government policy of the past several years hasn’t done much to stem the rise of poverty, much less actually reduce it. But now comes word from the House that perhaps they are taking a much more practical approach to the problem:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. House of Representatives voted on Friday to cut $700 million from the food stamp program, despite objections from antihunger groups complaining that estimates show some 235,000 people would lose benefits.

Ingenious! Take away the main source of nutrition for 235,000 people who are already without health insurance and probably unable to afford keeping their homes above freezing this winter. With any luck, a cold snap will wipe out a lot of the sickly and starving, and we will be that much closer to the dream of eliminating poverty within our own borders.

Important Reminder!!

2005-11-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

Don't miss out on a golden opportunity to be an affront to God twice in one sitting. Monday is the last day for Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp deal. For $15 (in Buffalo), you can gorge yourself on these delicious "roaches of the sea". You will thereby be defying God by (1) being a glutton and (2) eating shrimp. As an added bonus, if you eat enough you will chip away at Red Lobster's corporate profits, possibly getting someone fired.

Last time I went for this deal, I managed to choke down 93 shrimp. Hopefully I can do better when I go back on Monday - I want to hit triple digits.

Top 10 Reasons To Be A Christian

2005-11-18T11:32:00.000-05:00

Alan over at Meet an Atheist (which at first I thought was a dating site) recently posted his “Top 10 Reasons To Be An Atheist”. He makes quite a few good points (particularly the thing about sleeping in on Sundays, which always struck me as one of the better arguments for rejecting God), but it occurred to me that there are also several advantages to being a Christian. So here’s my rebuttal:

Top 10 Reasons To Be A Christian

10. Forming your own opinions on controversial topics is hard. Whether the subject is abortion, stem cell research, or meat on Fridays, it’s much easier to let a professional theologian answer the tough questions than to think about them yourself.

9. No longer get fed to lions on a regular basis. My, my, my, how the tables have turned. Now it’s only magicians living in sin and Sin City that have to worry about that one.

8. Christian girls are sexually repressed and easily tricked into giving it up. I’ve heard they can be pretty wild in the sack, once they get over the whole “sin” thing. Of course, if you manage to knock one up, you can expect a visit from her shotgun-toting father in short order.

7. Instant excuse for disowning your gay children. Plus, because of the impressive level of cognitive dissonance required to maintain your faith, you can easily do so while still enjoying a tasty shrimp dinner.

6. Free wine every Sunday morning. There’s nothing like a little hair of the dog to take care of the hangover from Saturday night.

5. If you’re a pedophile, you can become a priest. It looks great on a resume, you get an honorific in the phone book, and if anything goes wrong with a choir boy, you can rest assured that the church hierarchy will take care of it for you.

4. Prayer is a great way to avoid hard work. Short on cash? Just pray to hit the lottery. If you don’t, then paying the rent this month just wasn’t in God’s plan.

3. Fellow Christians will attend your funeral. You’ll seem far more popular and respected than you actually are when everyone in your church shows up – even though most are only there out of a vague feeling of obligation, a fear of going to hell, or for the free refreshments.

2. You don’t have to accept that you are descended from monkeys. Instead, you can feel superior to other species because you were made from dirt.

1. You’ll be on the winning team when the US officially becomes a theocracy. And with 20% of the country composed of Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and Others, you’ll have plenty of people to torture in the name of Jesus.

No Oil Company Left Behind

2005-11-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

The Senate has been busy passing a tax bill to extend tax cuts to the rich, as well as take back a little bit of the truckloads of cash we've been handing to energy companies:

Senate Republicans beat back Democratic attempts to use the bill to pinch oil and energy companies that have been reporting record profits while consumers pay high gasoline prices, efforts that reflected sensitivity on Capitol Hill to high gasoline prices and fears of skyrocketing home heating costs this winter.

The largest oil companies, nevertheless, would be hit with about $4.3 billion in taxes through a change in accounting methods. That provision drew a veto threat from the White House and upset some Western Republicans, who deemed it an unfair and political attack on the energy industry.

"Is it a windfall tax by another name?" said Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho.

The Senate defeated a Democratic effort to impose a temporary windfall profits tax, 50 percent on the sale of oil over $40 a barrel, on profits not reinvested in increasing domestic oil and gas supplies. The money would have been returned to energy consumers through an income tax rebate. A 64-35 procedural vote defeated the effort.

I wish I had the balls to pull something like this off. I can understand the philosophy of cutting taxes on higher incomes to stimulate the economy, even though I think its bullshit. It's classic supply side economic, after all. But how can anyone possibly justify allowing oil monopolies to rape the public so blatently? What possible explanation could there be?

Ah, fuck it. I'm just bitter that I didn't have the foresight to invest in oil stocks when W. was sworn in.

Witch’s Tit

2005-11-17T16:28:00.000-05:00

It’s starting to get really fucking cold here in Buffalo. Any suggestions for speeding up global warming? That would really save me a bundle on heating costs this year.

2005-11-17T02:04:00.000-05:00

First Post

Welcome to my first blog! I really doubt anyone is going to read this garbage, but I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head that I feel the inexplicable need to puke onto a web page. And since everyone else on the ‘net has at least five or six blogs these days, I figured I should “get on the bus”, lest I risk becoming dangerously un-uncool.

I guess I’ll start off with a little bit about myself. I’m a tall, unathletic, borderline alcoholic, straight, 28-year-old, male nerd living just outside Buffalo, NY. I smoke about 2 packs a day in an effort to get lung cancer and cash in on a tobacco lawsuit (I might have missed the boat on this one, but now I’m too addicted to stop). I am generally misanthropic, because the more I pay attention to humanity, the less I believe it deserves to survive much longer. I used to be a Jesus freak, but soon after entering college I realized how utterly moronic religion is, and am now an avowed atheist. I’m far too apathetic to vote, but if I did, I would vote Republican out of pure spite.

I work as a software engineer. For those of you who don’t know what this entails, it generally involves sitting around surfing the web until the boss wanders into my cubicle. In my spare time, I watch movies and a few selected TV shows, surf the web, and endlessly re-view my pirated Buffy and Angel DVD collection. I’ve also lately been playing online poker pretty much non-stop, even though I am terrible at it.

My goal with this site is to come up with offensive and hopefully entertaining ways to express my views on a wide variety of subjects. In particular, I’m going to stress examples of human stupidity in regards to topics such as religion, politics, culture, etc.

So please, if something offends you, don’t hesitate to leave a rambling comment insulting me, preferably with terrible grammar and spelling. Bonus points for posts so ludicrous I can’t even understand what the gist of it is.